Is it bad that sometimes I want to hit you in the face when you joke about me not having any friends?
And does it make me a hypocrite to not want to be told I am sarcastic all the time?
Because I am well aware that I am very sarcastic, I really don't need to be told every time I open my mouth
And I am trying to change, I truly am, but large groups intimidate me, make me uncomfortable and I just want to make people laugh, and I feel like you expect sarcasm from me and so I just try to meet your expectations, no matter how warped that may sound
I have a pattern of pushing people away, I always have and you are not making it any easier for me
I want to have the same friendship with you in public as we do in private
I don't like the public version of me, I just want to be uplifting
But I am utterly terrified
I never maintain friendships for long, I run away from intimacy
And you make it so easy for me to fill the role of sarcastic
And the issue is I can't be hurt by your sarcasm because I am the same way
And if I can dish it out I need to be able to take it as well
But that is not the case
I have swallowed back tears many times, and left early to avoid the truth spilling from my lips
Those jokes about me actually aren't funny
And I know the jokes I make are the same
And I want to change so badly
But it is so hard
And I don't know how
So please help me
I am begging you
I need to change, I need to be more like Jesus and love through my words and my actions
So if I may be so bold I request that you help me
Call me out and love me so that I can learn to love you
