It is never that easy is it?
Easier said than done, what about when it can't even be said
There are no words, only endless sentence fractures bouncing around this empty space
Every moment a lifetime and yet the days keep flashing by
Desire is overwhelming
It causes unruly actions, as one pushes all others aside to get to their desire, the plan ordained over their life
What about just aimless wandering
Or better yet, just remaining in the presence
When did your ideals become so important
And when did the poetry disappear

Hope

Now is the time for a new season
A storm before a new beginning
The time for rebirth is upon me
And to begin the time of new growth pruning must happen
God has some serious work to do on my heart and while it hurts for the moment I can rest in the fact that his will is far greater than mine
And that while pain comes in the night there is joy in the morning
And while it is so easy for me to write this, to truly walk in this truth is an entirely different story
To just sit in the hurt is so much easier, to feel bad for myself feels so justified
But God has so much more for me than this mess of a heart that I have right now
To make me complete in his image I must be willing to let go and learn more of his attributes
To forgive...to move on...to let people go
And to keep my heart for him alone
To abide in his love and realize that it is more than any earthly love can even attempt to match
His recognition is what I need to live in, his approval is all that matters
Because even though I am far from being worthy of his approval, I have already gained it, because I am his daughter and he is my father
I must look to the blessings in my life, that he has given me that I don't deserve and let them overshadow the negative the enemy is trying to pull me away with
Because the blessing will always out weigh the curse and at the end of the day I know I am on the winning team

please?

Is it bad that sometimes I want to hit you in the face when you joke about me not having any friends?

And does it make me a hypocrite to not want to be told I am sarcastic all the time?

Because I am well aware that I am very sarcastic, I really don't need to be told every time I open my mouth

And I am trying to change, I truly am, but large groups intimidate me, make me uncomfortable and I just want to make people laugh, and I feel like you expect sarcasm from me and so I just try to meet your expectations, no matter how warped that may sound

I have a pattern of pushing people away, I always have and you are not making it any easier for me

I want to have the same friendship with you in public as we do in private

I don't like the public version of me, I just want to be uplifting

But I am utterly terrified

I never maintain friendships for long, I run away from intimacy

And you make it so easy for me to fill the role of sarcastic

And the issue is I can't be hurt by your sarcasm because I am the same way

And if I can dish it out I need to be able to take it as well

But that is not the case

I have swallowed back tears many times, and left early to avoid the truth spilling from my lips

Those jokes about me actually aren't funny

And I know the jokes I make are the same

And I want to change so badly

But it is so hard

And I don't know how

So please help me

I am begging you

I need to change, I need to be more like Jesus and love through my words and my actions

So if I may be so bold I request that you help me

Call me out and love me so that I can learn to love you

Page 2

I'm not very good at being cryptic, but sometimes I just want to write without explanation

Page 1

The cover of this book is pulled open one more time
The many pages in the front, saying the same words over and again
Crinkled and torn but never removed no matter what is said
And the new pages just asking for words
The pen poised ready to run across the page with so many stories
So many adventures ready to begin
These rambling chapters all leading to the end that can no longer be denied

The Beauty of Art

Sometimes all I need is to see God working in someone else's life
When I am feeling a little off or discouraged to see someone I am praying for succeed makes me get excited
To see God using his children and to see those children living in his grace is so amazing
I was drinking coffee with a friend las night (well more like my best friend) and she was describing some of her prophetic art to me and I just got it, I completely understood what God was trying to say through it. And I am pretty sure she already knew exactly what it meant but I just had to explain it because it got me so excited. And I feel the need to share what this was. (I hope you don't mind, I just think you and your painting are awesome!)
So she had a painting and it was ugly so she kept trying to paint over it with white paint but the colours kept blending into this ugly grey. when she tried washing it off it just wouldn't work and she even tried to scrap it off with her nails but with no success. So eventually she got so frustrated she crumpled the paper up. But God told her to grab a fresh canvas, to put her canvas over top of it and imprint the ugliness onto to this fresh canvas. But not to stop there, once she had done this God said to paint all these beautiful colours over top and it completely hid the ugliness. And that is when it hit me. The ugly canvas was us, humanity, trying our hardest to cover our sins. Trying to earn forgiveness, that our works would be enough to cover all the dirt. But all it does is blends into grey, leaving us all the more frustrated, leaving our works nothing more than dirty rags. But that clean canvas, that is  Jesus, that is him in all his perfection taking our sins on so that he can make them beautiful, so that when we surrender them he can take our sins and cover them with his amazing grace. I have always known this and live in this, but I just got so excited when I heard it in painted form and to realize that, that was what God was trying to say and he had revealed it to me.
I still get so excited when God reveals himself to me. As I have become better at listening, I have realized that God has always been speaking to me I just doubted my ability to hear him. But he is so much bigger than my doubt and so much patience to wait until the day when I am ready and willing to listen to him and to let him use me.
He is so much bigger then the attacks I am and will face as I grow closer to him and I need to realize that having an off week is nothing to God, he has been around forever and can wait that week until I am ready to stand up again. And I am able to stand up in his strength alone and not allow myself to be so easily defeated by some deception by some stupid enemy. 

I have all these ideas swimming around in my head and I wish I could find a way to write them eloquently
But all these thoughts just overwhelm me sometimes
I have these moments of inspiration but they tend to come in the middle of class
I have moments of manic thoughts, when I am overcome by what it is I want to say, but by the time I get to a piece of paper, I have become so distracted by ten other thoughts that they never get to escape.
Seriously, if you could see the inside of my mind right now you would understand why I feel so crazy right now
But I don't see anything wrong with being crazy right now. I am loving it. I have decided to embrace this crazy and see where it takes me.
I have all these dreams and ideas coming to my head that one day I want to drop out of school and help people and the next day I want to go to class so I can be one step closer to getting where I need to go.
And once again this is not at all what I wanted to write about and to be honest I can't even remember what I was going to write about so I am just going to go with this.
I have all this passion right now, like overwhelming, can't contain even if I wanted to kind of passion. And I don't know what I am supposed to be doing with it. It is not the kind of joyful jump up and dance passion, but this deep burning in my soul that makes me want to change something.
And I think what I need to change right now is me.
As I have grown closer to God and walked more in his holiness I am becoming more aware of all the small areas of my life that I need to fix, all the refining that God still needs to do in my life.
And it is frustrating, because there is a lot of work left. Before I could see all the big things that he was removing from my life and that was great but not we are getting down to the details and they are frustrating. I mean these are my habits that don't glorify God, the parts of my that he never intended, the lies I still need to work out and the places where I need to be humbled. And it is really hard, I mean I don't even know where to begin changing things that I have been doing for as long as I can remember. But, at the end of the day it doesn't matter that I have no idea how I am ever going to accomplish any of this because I never could, only God can and that is why I am walking in his light. So as much as his light may highlight all my dirt, it also shows that I am one step closer to reflecting his glory in my life.
I honestly have no idea what I was going to write about and now I have that nagging feeling where I just want to figure it out. Maybe I just need to carry a notebook and write down all these thoughts as they enter my swirling brain. And maybe when I am in the middle of class I should just stop taking notes and start writing, because that is what I want to do but I always feel like that would be frowned upon.
Because right now I have about 3 different things I want to write about but I feel like I should leave them for another blog but then I worry that I will forget about them later. You see this is what the inside of my brain is like, ALL the time. It is a very confusing place to spend any amount of time trying to sort out.
Well I want to end off with one final thought. That our God is HUGE. I am talking heavens can't contain him. And I mean have you seen how big the known universe is? It's enormous, and that is only a fraction of what  is out there. I would just like to point out that the universe is infinite. Meaning that infinite amount of space can't contain God; try to wrap your head around that one. And while looking up fun universe facts I also discovered that there is an estimated 300 sextillion stars, and God has every single one named. That is a lot of stars. Does that not just blow your mind? Because it sure blows my mind and I become so overwhelmed with the magnitude of my God that there are not enough words to describe it. It just sends chills down my spine and this feeling in my soul when I remember that, this huge God is my father and loves me personally.

Whatever happened to love?

As many have had to hear before I can rant for a very long time about love and especially the word love. My biggest issue is the over use of the word love. We say we love everything and everyone; we love anything from a starbucks coffee, to a new shirt, to some cute animal. We have become desensitized to what that word means what power it holds. No wonder we have no problem saying I love you to the first boy who holds our hand. And it is no wonder that we have no problem just transferring that love around, I mean love never seems to last that long anymore. People are too distracted and there are too many shiny new toys out there to "love" to stick to anything for too long. When something breaks or someone lets us down we have no problem just shrugging it off and taking our love back. There are girls with broken hearts everywhere I look because they gave themselves away for "love" that didn't last.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Whatever happened to love like this? To loving someone with everything you have? To loving until death, until it hurts to even think about letting them go because they have become a part of whom you are and where you see yourself going. Whatever happened to being allowed to admit that this is the kind of love you want, that I want. Whatever happened to romance? Where did we decide that romance had died, and let lust replace it? Some days I look at the world and I am just sad, I wish that the people of the world and the church would claim this love as their own, realize they have a father on heaven who loves them so much more than these words and they deserve amazing love on worth and to not sell themselves short.

We have fully turned love into an emotion which it was never meant to be. Infatuation, lust and 'like' are emotions but love is a deep seeded truth.

love (noun): a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

                   Christianity: God's benevolent attitude towards man

                                     man's attitude of reverent devotion towards God

When I went on dictionary.com these were just two of the many definitions I found about love. Love and Christianity are still linked within the secular world, which says something about what Christians are supposed to stand for.

I have come to the realization that as Christians we have such a hard time maintaining any kind of loving relationship with God long term because we have lost what love really means. What it means to choose to love over letting the emotion take us where it may. We have allowed the world’s definition of what love is to become our definition of love and then we wonder why we are so unsatisfied.

As I fall more in love with God every day I realize that I have never known what it was to love God and receive his love up until a month ago. I was living with the worlds definition of love, letting my emotions take me and being satisfied but not living in the over flowing abundance of what God's love really is. Until we learn what love really is we are never going to be able to receive love? Until we learn to love ourselves we can't expect to be able to receive love. If we don't think we are worthy of love then we are never going to be living in the love of our Father.

And when I think about love I also think about the love I desire here on earth. I realize that there is a lot in myself that I need to work on to truly showing how I love others but I have also realized that I have sold myself short. I don't want to compromise my desires or dreams around another person. I want them to fit into my dreams. And although I am more than willing to change my dreams for them, I am not willing to let go of what God has put into my heart. They have to work around God's will, not God working around my will.

So the LORD God said to the serpent, "Because you have done this,...[man] will crush your head, and you will strike his heel." Genesis 3:14a-15b

I was confronted with this verse the other day and it got me to thinking. We are God's children and although we have fallen and are cursed we have power in our redemption. We will be bitten by the serpent, temptation will get the best of us and we will fail, but all that is, is one small nip to our heel. And with that heel is what we will use to crush Satan's head, not hurt or damage but Crush, as a friend said, have his brains all over our shoe. So my question is, why do we let a small strike to our heel completely destroy us? We fall one time and instead of walking it off we fall to the ground wallow in self pity for a while and wonder why it is so much harder to get back up again. I feel like I haven't emphasized enough, that we can DESTROY the enemy, he is some slithering coward and we are God's children. He has so much power in our lives because we let him. We let him speak lies into our life and we let him continually hurt us because we don't get up crush his head and walk away. Instead we tell him exactly where it hurts the most and then wonder why he won't leave us alone. Once we stop making Satan so big and God so small we will realize that we look ridiculous for being scared of snake when we have GOD on our side. I mean he is GOD, take a moment and just think about the magnitude of our God, we make him so commonplace, so mundane when God is magnificent and incomprehensible. HE IS GOD. And as another friend likes to add, he is on FIRE. I mean really who is going to win this fight; some snake or a pillar of FIRE.
And when I say we, I mostly mean myself, that is something I need to apply in my own life. As my pastor has said "blow for blow"; don't just take the hit from him and walk away, hit him back, don't let satan have the power because his power comes from deception and when you are living in the truth he loses all his power.

Picture this:
There is a girl, 4 years old, hair pulled back into a bun, a couple of hairs falling out of place but presentable. She is wearing her freshly cleaned, wonderfully pink ballet outfit and her slightly scuffed shoes. She is standing with 6 other girls who are in the same state she is; giggly with nerves and excitement. This is their first recital ever. They have worked all year to show off their new skill and the audience is eager to see how they have done. As they walk onto the stage following their teacher the lights begin to grow brighter and they stand squirming and ready to start. As this little girl adjusts to the bright lights there is only one thing she is looking for, her dad. And she sees him, sitting in the third rowing smiling up at her and just as excited and nervous as she is. As the music starts she pulls her eyes away from her dad and focuses them on the teacher who leads them through the whimsical steps to her very first performance. And she stumbles a few times and becomes distracted by the other girls and the bright lights that seem to make everything more difficult. She even falls once but manages to get back up and keep on dancing. As the music fades away she looks back into the audience and their is her daddy beaming as he applauds his daughter. As she walks off stage she is so excited to be done the performance, but hopes that her mistakes won't cost her the pride of her father. As she walks out the stage door and searches for her dad she sees him still beaming and holding a single pink daisy. He picks her up, pulls her into a tight hug, and whispers how much he loves her and just how overwhelmingly proud he is of her. He hands her the daisy and she asks him about her mistakes, and he responds with; "What mistakes? All I saw was my princess doing her best."
Now take a moment and picture this:
That little girl is you, and that dad is God. You are his little girl, his princess and he wants to give you so much more than a single daisy. He wants to pick you up, hold you tightly, and tell you how much he loves you and is proud of you. Because he doesn't see your mistakes he just sees his daughter trying her best in a world that trys to point out the worst. You are the apple of his eye, his image, his creation. You are the crowning jewel in his creation, the magnificent finale to his perfect creation. So as the lights dim and you walk off the stage of the day just remember that behind the stage door is your dad with a gift and a hug and he doesn't see your mistakes, he sees your perfection.

Love, or something like that

Worthy of Love,
That is what my name means. That is one of the many reasons I love my name, because it shouts to the world that I am worthy of love. I am worth the effort needed to love. This realization and this claim on that statement is new and resounding in my life. That I am worthy, not just of love but of all that love entails.
Love has been in the air. I am surrounded by it, the love of God, of friendship and as I have been witnessing recently love within a relationship.
Relationships, always a topic I shy away from. Ask me about anything and I can have a serious conversation with you; ask me about relationships and I will turn it into a joke, making some sarcastic remark to change the subject. Mind you if you want to talk about your relationships and your struggles with them I am all ears and I want to listen and help but try to get me to talk to you and it probably won't happen, you might get little bursts of honesty but I hide when the tables are turned.
I am not writing this because I want a relationship, the exact opposite is true. I am finally falling in love with my Saviour and I would rather not be distracted by a relationship right now.
And when that relationship comes my way I have a couple expectations, for myself mostly. I have realized that there is this part of me that doesn't believe I am worthy of love. That I am not worthy of so many things that are part of being in a relationship.
That I am worthy of respect and admiration and so much more.
I am worthy of someone who can deal with my when I am crazy happy and also when I am frustrated. That they may not understand my thought process but will listen anyways.
Who understands that there are going to be moments when I will rant about the injustices of this world even though I don't have any kind of solution
That as much as I talk, I love silence.
That I am not patient and that I need someone who can be patient for me.
Someone who will be crazy with me, embarrass themselves and understand that at the end of the day I am a hopeless romantic 

I feel this need to add a disclaimer that I am not being self centered and that I am not being obsessive. That this is just what I genuinely desire, that this has just been on my mind. That I have finally made the decision to claim this in my life as truth. That I am worth so much more in the eyes of God than I have given myself credit for.

Enough is Enough

I have sat and stared at this blank screen so many times in the past couple weeks, trying to figure out what to write and what God was teaching me.
I could feel God preparing me for something but I couldn't figure out what because I couldn't see past the wall that seemed to be right in my path.
But last night he brought it all together, he released me from what had been holding me back, released me from my own condemnation.
He gave me the kind of joy I had been seeking and that fire and passion I had missed so much.
The kind of joy that as I lay on a floor laying flat on my back staring at the ceiling knowing God's presence is thick.
As he didn't convict for how I had been living but gave me the gift of freedom once again, I could sit and worship and smile and know that in that moment that is all that mattered.
He whispered in my ear to let go of the control and free myself from the responsibility.
The responsibility to change my life and fix my actions. He asked me to look to tomorrow not yesterday. There is nothing I can do about the example I have been or what I have done but what I can do to live for me.
To live for him in every minute and if I fall it is not about looking at that moment of falling but to spend the next minute in his presence and taking every moment as it comes to be in the presence of God and to be a witness to his great love. 

On a serious note

Death is not a joke, why do we laugh it off so often?
When did we become so selfish as to say "Well if I die I get to be with Jesus"?
How do we have the audacity to be so arrogant?
What about the people around us about the people we will leave and the plans that will be left unaccomplished?
And what about 10-20 years down the road? What about your future spouse or children? To be taken away from them because we decided to live in the moment and be irresponsible; to not treat the body that God gave us with the respect it deserves.
I am not scared of dying, but I am scared of watching some die.
It is heartbreaking and terrifying all in the same breath
To see but a shell of the man called Dad
To watch as his stomach bloats from malnutrition; to always fear the day when he isn't around anymore
Never knowing when he is going to be sick again when there is going to be no turning back, what parts of my life he is never going to see.
We can all laugh off illness and hardship when it is far away but what happens when you are confronted with it?
What happens when you find out your favorite aunt has cancer?
When once again it seems like you are about to lose someone else in your life.
I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid of dying. 

Fear of the winding road

I'm scared, actually I am petrified.
I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that if I take a year of off school is the wrong decision.
I don't know why it worries me so much but I think about it on a daily basis. Even with all the reassurances and encouragements, I worry, I over think and I doubt.
I am sure that this is what God wants, he has opened every door and encouraged me at every turn so why do I doubt so much?
Is it because it is not the norm? Because I am scared of what others say?
At the end of the day God is going to get me where he wants me to go and if that means taking the longer road then so be it, taking the straight road never sounded that exciting anyway.

Brushstrokes

I asked for a way to worship God, to go past what I was comfortable with a be pushed to something new.

So I painted, I have never been artistic and I have always wanted to paint. I was given the opportunity to see God in a new light, meet him in a different way and be so blessed. He met me in between the brushstrokes. 

And then as I sat and doubted and wondered if I was making the right decision he met me in my doubt. I sat paralyzed by fear once again and he sent me people to encourage me. People to tell me that I am on the right path; that just by telling me they thought I was doing the right thing they unintentionally reassured me.

It blows me away how God will meet me in the small things, when I just want to get closer to him or need encouragement he is there ready to meet me in every moment, fill every breath with his overwhelming presence. When I am at my weakest is when I get to see his strength and really appreciate all he can do for me. 

I am the thorn in your crown// But you love me anyway

I am so often hit by the magnitude of God's word and his love for me. I will be reading my bible and as I slow down I realize the words being written have such power and I take them so for granted. I just sit there and am blown away by how applicable every single word is. I know this sounds silly and something blatantly obvious but I just love being blown away by God's word.
And to think of all the I have put God through, all that I have sinned and all that I have done to walk away and he loves me still. When I have forsaken him and and tried to walk on my own but he loves me anyway.
I don't know what I am trying to say but I do know that I have all these thoughts and inspiration swirling around my head but this exhaustion seems to be clouding everything.
But I was talking to a friend about spending time alone and not finding it selfish to say no when friends want to hang out. She was mentioning the fact that she was learning to fight complacency and how taking a step back from friends will help take a step closer to God. I realized how true that is, friends can be such a distraction from the things that God has. Being with my friends too much causes me to become so dependent on their guidance and love in my life that I get distracted from God's guidance and approval and the love that I need to get from him.
There are so many different things that God has been showing me or whispering to me as I spend this week alone. I thought this week of working at night would suck because it would mean no sleep and less time with friends but it has given me the chance to have free time and just relax and spend time alone and enjoy the summer and enjoy the silence. I am so excited to go back to normal sleep patterns and working during the day but I am also grateful that I had this week to really use the time I was given to feel productive and feel like I could take a moment and just breath.

The other day a friend of mine said something that really struck me as something that I could relate to. She put into words what I had been trying to figure out.
She said it like this:
"you see, the truth is that i have been avoiding telling the truth...and it's really hard to write when you're avoiding the truth. when you have to pretend to be someone else, you sort-of...lack inspiration."
I realized the validity of this statement in my own life as I sat and tried to think of something to write about what has going on in life. 
and i realized i didn't want to write because i didn't want to acknowledge the truth even to myself
The truth that my heart is bruised and has been like that for sometime now
It just aches and I don't know how to deal with it
Every time I take a step forward to begin healing it seems that something is right in front of me waiting to let it injure me again
And it is not like life has been bad. I mean life has been awesome this past month. I have laughed so much and made so many awesome memories. But not with the people that i expected so many of these moments to be with, not that, that is bad either because i have gotten close to so many people
But at the end of the day as I am drifting off to sleep I am always reminded of the fact that my heart hurts
And these hurts that are happening are not new or unexpected but i know they are coming which makes them even harder to deal with sometimes. and every time i tell myself this is the last time i will let myself get hurt it just happens all over again
but i guess at the end of the day this is just one more thing that draws me closer to God and one more thing in my life that gives me the opportunity to rely on someone i normally wouldn't and trust people that i never knew i would turn to
this month, this summer, has been a summer of surprises, good and bad, and i think as long as i keep down the path of looking to God i will be able to continue growing and continue laughing

Patience

I am going home tomorrow.
I still can't process the fact that I am blessed enough to get to go to Chile
I have been anticipating this moment for over a year and I can't believe it is finally here
But this time will be so bittersweet
Because as fun as it will be I will have to leave and that is the last thing I want to do
I want to enter that country and never look back
I don't want to have to wait 4 more years
There are a lot of things I don't want to do
But I don't chose what happens in my life
When I surrendered my life to my father I also gave up my choice to do what I wanted to do
And he will pour blessing into my life when I follow him
But some days I just wish he would lead me back home
I love the life and the people he has blessed me with but there is always a part of my heart craving something different
And I hate to sound like a broken record but my heart crys out for something that is not mine to have right now

As I take your hand

I honestly don't understand any more but I guess it is not my place to complain
I am going to take what comes my way and find the joyful moments inbetween
Just finding some peace in the most strangest of places
And finding prayer where I least expected it
All the isolation and lonliness of a month was wiped away in a night
I need to take love where I can find it and community where it is offered
I need to see God in the good and let go of the bad
We are only human and we all make mistakes, I can't hold you accountable to things you don't even realize hurt me
This is the perfect time for me to take a step back, the perfect placement of a 3 week trip
And I hope when I get back that I will be better, more at peace and that I will be able to rejoin the people that God has placed in my life
But I need to evaluate, look at what is going on with me and what is going on with us
Where am I putting too much pressure on my friendships and where do I need to be more honest
I truly do miss you. I miss the feeling we used to have and the belonging I used to feel, but I lost that feeling a while back and now I must search for it
I need to rely on my God to pick me up and not on the people around me, who are there to support me but not to hold me up completely.
I need to learn that being lonely in this world does not mean that I am alone, that when I feel by myself my God has never left my side.
He wants to spend some time with me, to give up something that has been holding me back and give me the oppurtunity to surrender something to him and become one step closer to his plan for my life
I need to find my God in this place, I need to figure out where I went wrong, when I wandered off and ask for some help.
Because I know that the second I call out he is going to come and help lead me back to the path.
So I am going to stand in this desert, lonely but not alone because my God is going to lead me back to his path and bring me back to the place he designed, where we can walk side by side and he can lead me into his glory.

I have lost my joy
Somewhere amidst this empty wandering it slipped between my fingers
I need it back, I can't live this way
This desert has stripped me of my desire to smile
I want so badly to bask in your love and rest in your arms
I stand upon your truth but that doesn't feel like enough right now
Where did I let this feeling inside of me go?
I don't know when I resigned myself to just living but I wish I could take that decision back
I crave something more but these empty commitments take me nowhere
These words are so empty and meaningless without you
Every encouragement and prayer just echos in this empty heart
I can't keep doing this
Just take me back to the place where I let it go
Let me search the ground in search of what has been lost
I am searching the dirt for something lost and broken
This mud is caked beneath my fingers as my hands come up empty
I am fading into myself, I see but a shadow of myself

"You took it with you when you left
These scars are just a trace
Now it wanders lost and wounded
This heart that I misplaced"

Vanilla Twilight

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere


'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here


I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly


The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly


I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone


But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone


I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone


As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight


When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again


And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here


-Owl City

Un ano mas

One year
365 days since I got on a plane and came back to Canada
Since I wiped off the tears and said good bye to some amazing friends
I walked away from a country I loved so much
When I got on that plane a hole in my heart was formed
An ache in my chest
I still miss everything about those 6 months
I miss the people, the country, the food that I didn't even like and the adventures
Sitting on the ground, opening my bible and staring at the ocean
Black sand between my toes and the sun at my back
I miss listening to a language I didn't understand
A people so loving and beautiful that I was overwhelmed by them
I miss getting 10 hugs everytime I walked into a room
I crave a late night walk down a dirt path with 30 amazing people just enjoying their company
Friday night services that led to Empanada adventures
Dancing in the streets in outfits that didn't fit and it didn't even matter
Buying strawberries in the market and soaking up every moment I was there
Not caring what anyone thought of me because I love Jesus and I wanted to world to know
I miss staring at the stars and being overwhelmed by the sheer number and magnitude of their brilliance
And I miss travelling
I miss being thrown into a totally different culture and people and trying to show these people love
I miss being humbled by the awesome power of God and my inadequacy
I miss holding children and laughing at nothing
Feeling beautiful in my beautiful India clothing
Most of all I miss the people I was blessed to know
Getting to be with people from around the world and learn from them
Gleaning the knowledge from so many others 
Learning to be vulnerable, to be honest and trust
I did not want to go back to Canada, it was not home anymore, I had found peace in a new home
But Canada I returned to and I found another home and I love it
I have learned so much here and it has been incredible
But I miss Chile, I miss Colombia, I miss India.
I miss my life there
365 days ago feels like forever and no time at all

Don't Read Between the Lines

I thought this would be easy, it was all worked out and I was good to go
Freedom was mine to claim and life was moving forward
But it hasn't been, we had our moment but I am left in the same place
Left knowing that this is something I need to work for
Something that is going to take so much time
I just want to sleep, to be able to lose myself in the oblivion of nothingness
I never asked for these insecurities and these doubts
These constant swirling thoughts of what my true meaning is and what my purpose is on this earth
But here I am up too late once again, pondering everything and doubting it all
And you may come and ask for my reasons why and I don't have any
There is honestly no explanation for why this is
All I know is this is who I have always been
I am a constant extreme
There is either one or the other: joy or hurt, black or white
I don't see grey and that scares me as much as it bothers you
You listen to me ramble as I list off the reasons that I think you want to hear and I know you question
My honesty and why I am the way I am
But I don't know the answers to the questions you ask and if you have to ask the question then you don't deserve the answer anyway
Sometimes I don't want to have to make sure you understand
I want to just be and know that, that is all that matters
I desire to be more then a midnight text when I have the information you need or the perspective you desire
I want more then something private, I desire to be able to talk openly
I don't like the out that texting gives, the ability to hide behind some words and not be face to face honest
I want to be understood, that through my half finished sentances you are able to feel what I feel
Because I feel your hurt and I ache for you, I cry for you
I don't want to worry about whether or not everything is okay between us, I want simplicity
I want you to be able to read my face and know something is wrong
That you will ask me a question and just listen to the answer, even if that answer is longer than anticipated
Even if it means taking longer then expected to get somewhere, even if it means sitting in a parking lot for longer then anticipated
I want to be with you and not worry about your expectations
I need facts sometimes, not just feelings
And I need protection, I need you to want to protect me from hurt
You probably think this is about you and parts of it are but it is about so many different people that does it really matter? If you try to figure out when I am talking about you won't you just walk away hurt and disapointed? So don't try to see accusations where they aren't, don't try to find condemnation where it doesn't exist. As you try to read between the lines why not just move on and let this be what it is, if I don't want to explain why bother pushing it? If I want to be cryptic is that not my choice on my blog?
So just let me be me, let me have my complexities and confusion and when I want to tell you I will. Shouldn't the only thing that matters be the fact that I care for you deeply, that I love you and our friendship, that even when I doubt I know that God has put you in my life for a reason.

Some God moments are better left unsaid

I feel like tonight was one of those nights meant to be between me and God. I mean He set up perfectly, I had the apartment to myself and I was procrastinating, what else would I do but rock out to some music and journal a little. All I know is that there literally are no words to describe God, I want to but it is impossible. And I have also learned to never ask for a demonstration of God's power because he will show me and it will be terrifying.

Mirrors

There is so much dirt upon this mirror that there is no chance to see
No chance to see a true reflection of what is staring back at me
Through this dirt I only see a distorted reflection
I see what the world has led me to believe is my reflection
I want to see what you see
My fingernails are caked with dirt as I desperatly try to clean away the grim the world has left
As sweat and tears begin to mingle I resign myself to settling for what I have
I have a sliver of clean mirror in which I see myself
Every once in a while I catch just a glimpse of how you see me and you were right, I am beautiful
But then that moment fades and I am staring at myself through the screen that covers the truth
I can't see past the words scrawled so hastily upon my mirror
No one even realized what they were doing
Taking their words, their random comments and making sure they stuck
And now they are there and no amount of cleaning can remove them
These precious words that you have spoken are forgotten so much faster
Please help me glimpse just one more second of what it is you see

Remove my Apathy

Search my heart O Lord and know me
I want to be able to say those words and mean them
I want you to be able to look into every room of my heart and clear out the dust
But I am holding back, we both know that
There is one door left
In the corner there is one room I have spent the past 5 years ignoring
I have given so much up to you Father, so much I have worked through
I don't know how to open that room
There is nothing pleasant in there
The shame that has been building up is seeping out the cracks
It has begun to affect everything around it
There is an infection in my heart
It will hurt too much to remove
Please just let me bear this shame, let me keep this to myself
I don't know how to say this outloud
Lord I gave most of it up to you
Just let me keep this dark corner to myself
Let me wallow
Must I expose every part of myself, are you going to scrub me raw
I feel stings of pain as your gentle hands work over such wounded flesh
This broken piece of my heart
I know people will understand, I know there won't be judgement
But I gave this part of myself to someone who never deserved a piece of my heart
How do I get that back? How do I reclaim what belongs to you God?
How does something that happened so long ago have so much power over me
I have given this shame up to you over and again yet it always resettles over my heart
This part of my past is leaking into the rest of my heart
If I don't give it up now it will infect all of me
Is there anyway to remove this sore without any pain?
Take this from me Lord, I can't hold on any longer
I don't know how to give this up, I don't even know what to say
But it is time to take this broken heart and make it whole again

What Happens in the Furnace

Do you see the fire? Do you see the furnace burn?
The flames are leaping forward, the smoke is rising slowly
Are you ready for the heat? Do you see the tempurature rising?
It's time to walk towards the flame, close your eyes as the heat consumes you.
But do you feel alone? Don't you feel that presence, is that someone there beside you?
What is this light beside, is that your Saviour there?
Your Jesus there to hold your hand and help you through these flames
Where is the heat that should be there and why aren't your clothes in flames?
And what is this falling from your chest, the only thing that's burning up.
Where has this freedom come from, where have your strongholds gone?
Your ropes have been removed, this freedom is yours to claim
This furnace has left you untouched, it has not done what was expected.  
As you flex your muscles in this freedom remember who has freed you
Remember all the love he has and how he walks with you
So walk towards this furnace, holding your head high.
Remember who is on your side and who will stand with you

Hymn for the Missing

I tried to walk together
But the night was growing dark
Thought you were beside me
But I reached and you were gone
Sometimes I hear you calling
From some lost and distant shore
I hear you crying softly before the way it was before

Where are you now
Are you lost
Will I find you again
Are you alone
Are you afraid
Are you searching for me
Why did you go I had to stay
Now I'm reaching for you
Will you wait, will you wait
Will I see you again

You took it with you when you left
These scars are just a trace
Now it wonders lost and wounded
This heart that I misplaced

Where are you now
Are you lost
Will I find you again
Are you alone
Are you afraid
Are you searching for me
Why did you go I had to stay
Now I'm reaching for you
Will you wait, will you wait
Will I see you again

-Red

I sit here as this peace decays
I grasp at straws as it wastes away
I let this feeling take hold of my heart
I know I should step in the way
That I shouldn't allow this to happen
But I don't stop it
I am an observer of my own destruction
I let this get the best of me one last time
These walls are too thick to get through
I don't want to fight you anymore
I have said all the wrong things as I stumble over my words
And now there is nothing left to say
The door to my heart is now closing
This one way street is no more
I am too scared to see where this will go
To let myself hope for some changes
I won't ask my questions if you don't ask yours
Don't worry you can relax, I am not going to fight any longer
This is a dream I will let slip through my fingers

Ashes

I sit and I watch and I wonder
I stare at those photographs as the edges curl in the fire
This match that you lit upon all my possibilities
Your beautiful hands that take the life from these dreams in my head
I see your delicate fingers wrap around this already bruised neck
I beg for release but you can’t hear my whispers
I want you to see what I need
I want to catch a glimpse of your world
I just want you to know that the fact that I care so much for you is what is killing me
So I sit in these ashes and let the wind take away all that is left
As tears fall in this empty room I sit and wait for your return
To take away another piece of this heart
Do you even see the ashes that cling to my heart
I sit in this silence and brush these ashes into my empty hands and try to imagine them whole once again

Beautifully Broken

I never used to understand what it meant to be beautifully broken. I never used to understand how brokenness could be seen as something of worth and beauty
But now I have realized I am beautifully broken
I lay at the foot of the cross broken and made beautiful through your redemption 
I come before you humble and you hold me close
I am a broken mess that is clay in your hands
I am ready for your power to wash over me
Have your way with this life of mine
I am following you
I want to feel your love every day, in every breath I take
I can not live without you, you are my everything
You have filled my heart and made me whole
You take my scars and make them into something amazing, something worth remembering
Everything is different through your eyes
You take this broken heart and use the pieces for something magnificent
You gently mold me with those beautiful hands and make me into someone who can stand for you
You are overwhelming in your power and your glory
I am swept off my feet by all you have done and you take my breath away with your splendor
So I come before you beautifully broken and madly in love with my indescribable Lord

Hold me Close

In you I find my strength, in you I find my acceptance
I need you to hold me close as I am gripped by fear
As the enemy once again tried to isolate me
But I cling to you because you, Lord are the only one who can hold me up
I cling to your promise of love and hope knowing you are always there.
I humble myself before you and I know that you will be with me always
You take away all these insecurities and show me your beauty
I feel your calm and realize there was nothing to worry about
You are so much greater then all I am afraid of


The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace. Psalm 29:11

I love silence
There is this part of me that loves to be surrounded by quiet
It is the reason why I love winter so much
That muffled silence that comes with the snow
The peace that comes with the softness of winter, and that refreshing rush of the cold wind filling my lungs
I like to just sit and think
It seems unbelievable to those who know me but this side of me is hidden
When I go to that quiet place I become my most vulnerable
It takes a special kind of person to bring out this aspect of me
I want to be able to sit with someone and not have to worry about filling the void with words and with jokes
Some days I just want to be. I want to enjoy the beauty of silence
There are so many wonders that can be found in those moments of quiet
So many sounds missed because of the rush I am always in
To just take a moment and enjoy the silence

I have such a fear of abandonment
An overwhelming, heart wrenching fear of being left in the cold
It makes it so hard for me to trust, to truly give all of me to anyone
And once I have opened up to someone I just sit and wait for the day for them to walk away
I sit gripped with the fear that I am too messed up for anyone to stick around
I am always on guard waiting to throw up my walls, defend against the heartbreak
My heart remembers all the hurt, still feels all the wounds
Even as my head lists off all the reasons to trust

But you haven't walked away

After all the shit you are still standing beside me

After all the tears you still do crazy things for me

Your friendship terrifies me as much as it amazes me

It is so much easier to list off all the reasons for the walls, then all the reasons why I am tearing them down

So I take each day as it comes. As God re-works this heart of mine.

Some days I fight his gentle hands, some days I feel the pressure that comes with healing

And somedays I sit smiling with tears streaming down my face as my God continues to mold me into something new, something beautiful. That he can use for his glory.

Captivating

“Women are beautiful, every single one of us. It is one of the glorious ways that we bear the image of God. But few of us believe we are beautiful, and fewer still are comfortable with it. We either think we don’t have any beauty or if we do, it’s dangerous and bad. So we hide our beauty behind extra weight and layers of unnecessary makeup. Or we neutralize our beauty by putting up protective, defensive walls that warn others to keep their distance.”

God why is it so hard sometimes?
So hard to see you in every situation and in every person for that matter.
I want to see the world the way you do, I want to see your beauty and your masterplan.
I want to love as you do, I want to love unconditionally.
I want to be slow to anger and abounding in love
But I'm not. I have a temper and I let it get the best of me so often
I feel a sense of right in getting angry for someone else's injustices. I feel a sense of wrong that I want to fix.
But that is not my place. You are the judge of all things and I need to put this in your hands.
I don't know how to put this into your hands. I don't even know what it is I need to put into your hands.
I can't define this hurt and this anger combined.
One small issue that can set me on fire
I want your patience God
I strive to be more like you, to walk in your footsteps
But I didn't do that today
I let my emotions run unchecked and I didn't walk in your footsteps
I was blinded by hurt and indignation
Lord, hold me close. I want to be where you are
I want to have these blinders removed and see clearly
Take away this bitterness and show me all that you have
Give me patience for your timing, because I know you have something/someone amazing waiting for me
Fill my heart with all you have for me

you beautiful princess

sweet child you are beautiful
i wrote of you as my princess and i still think of you that way
you haunt my dreams and you bring me to my knees
i miss you so. i miss your smile and your giggles
singing with you in whichever language we spoke
i was tied to this earth by you
you were an all consuming flame an overwhelming desire to love you
my sweet princess i think of you daily
i think of our games and i think of your love
i think of holding you in my arms until i felt i could no longer hold you but that didnt matter
no earthly pain or distraction could take away from our moments
of sitting in the dirt or spinning you around
sore muscles, tired eyes and inquisitive looks were nothing to me when i was with you
you were my inspiration
i help back tears when i was with you. dying to give you the world when all i had to offer you was my heart
and in the end i gave you my heart, a piece of it anyway
my heart was broken for what breaks God's heart
i ached for you and through the pain God revealed himself to me
he showed me just a small piece of what he feels for all his children
beautiful princess
as the time passes i wonder what your life has been like
have you lost your innocence? has that smile faded?
when you think of me do you see Jesus in me
was i a light? is there someone there to be a light for you now?
are you loved by someone who doesn't have to leave.
i want to be go back and be with you
i always say i didn't like your country and i didn't enjoy my time but i would do anything if it meant being with you.
if it meant being able to hold you in my arms again
i want to sing with you again
i want to see all that God taught me through you
you are an angel. you bring me light
you shine in my light as a beacon of all that God has
of all his children that need saving
i don't want to be your saviour but to just love you however i can
to come before you with whatever i have and give it all for you
i talk as if you are full of wisdom and small child you are.
in your eyes i see a light that if allowed to grow can shine




"as i smile down at you i am dying inside. dying to take you home with me and give you the world. to give you parents who love you. to sell the clothes off my back for you.
but as i think all this i stop...as God quietly whispers to me that he has so much more love and stored up treasures for his daughter then i could ever imagine.
so as i stand there holding you singing in your ear and thinking about this i realize that God has put me in your life to be a light for you. he has given me the responsibility to be a little piece of Jesus in your life.
as i realize this i shake off all my exhaustion and sing a little louder and act a little crazier and give you all the love i have in my heart.
as i carry you around singing songs in a language you don't understand i stare into your eyes and realize you have captured a little piece of my heart. know that you will always carry me around in those eyes.
you are so beautiful and even when i can't talk to you and i will never see you again, i will always carry you in my heart. as i sit here crying for you i realize just how much a little girl has taught me about love.
i would come back to this country just for you and i would give up all the sleep i want right now just for you.
you are my beautiful princess." (03/03/10)