I don't get out much

Today was one of those days that I want to say was awful but in all honesty it wasn't.
The sunrise was stunning and even with the wind I love this weather because it is the perfect temperature for me and the sun seems so bright.
I had my second day of practicum, much calmer then the first, got more of an opportunity to work with the kids and experience a school setting. And I got an agenda, I was excited, I used to love those big agendas.
I did however have a kid cry while I was trying to teach him math and I felt awful but realized it was just a part of the process.
I then rush out to get to my next class on the other side of town to find out that I left a car light on and it won't start now. So I get someone to help me boost it and it still won't start. So I call my friends who live near by to see if they will come help me and they wouldn't so I was a little frustrated (I thought I was going to be ranting about that today). Call another friend who says she will skip a class if I am in desperate need of a ride. Call AMA and they say it could take an hour and I might have to tow it. Well at this point I have given up on getting to my next class and I sit back and hope I can at least make it to the class after that. And then my friend texts me asks what the problem with my car is and if I need any help. And I know that is a small thing but is was reassuring in it's own way. Well right after this conversation AMA shows up in half an hour gets my car started and I am on my way. Made it to school with time to purchase some food and make it to my last 2 classes which were both rather enjoyable.
I also talked with my mom about buying a different car, which may seem rather difficult seeing how I have no money but much better than wanting to take a baseball bat to my car.
Somehow I didn't let all the small things get in the way of what turned out to be a lovely day. 

Another Uneventful Day

Today is a rather uneventful day, no spectacular holidays, no milestone in my life.
Well my best friend turned 21 and that is fantastic but what I mean is there is no real reason for me to be excited.
And I'm not actually that excited, I am happy however and have decided that instead of only writing about my emotions and trying to make my writing all special I can just right about the small things and the big moments...one of those moments being that I had an awesome Saturday with my best friend who obviously warrants 2 mentions today because she is just so special, well I guess that is 3.
Anyway...moving on...excellent weekend, got to hang out with my real family and my adopted family and it feels great to be surrounded by people who love me and want to know me better.
Got to go to calgary, took the bus, got picked up by my excellent father, went paintballing with some awesome friends I haven't seen in forever and got to go out that night and have some more fun being ridiculous.
Then on sunday I got to hang out with my fantastic brother and then go to teen challenge and be wonderfully blessed there. It is amazing to see these men working to better their lives and grow closer to God, they bless me more than I ever bless them. But the real awesome began on the 2 hour drive home when I got to talk about God for 2 hours and hear so many amazing stories, talk about what we struggle with and most importantly be able to be open in a way I haven't in a very long time and use my struggles to bring glory to God. All in all an excellent weekend from beginning to end.

And my current song obsession of the moment: Fort Minor-Where'd you go- Dubstep remaster. It is fantastic you should listen to it. I know I am copying about 5 other people by talking about music but I have this song on repeat right now and I don't think my roommates want to hear me talk about it again.

Oh...and one more thing...Happy 21st Birthday Rosalind Lightle! If I could remember your middle name it would be there. I hope you continue to have an amazing day and as much as I wish I was there I know you know that I love you, anyway...be blessed and I am counting down the days till I can see you again. 

It's a wonder I even bothered to write this

This is the part where it is supposed to turn around
It is a well-oiled machine, it has been around for a while and served it's purpose quite well
But this time it has failed
It has gotten stuck and has looped the same moment over and again
I know it is up to me to get the machine going again and be moving on
But I just can't be bothered
I have been presented with more opportunities than I can count
But I have chosen not to take them for reasons that are even beyond me
Honestly, passed all the BS and passive, cryptic talk
I have no motivation
And when I say that I mean that it is a feat to even get out of bed in the morning let alone do something to try to fix the mess of a life I am living right now
I can barely even manage to maintain a decent conversation with one person let alone a whole group
Especially when I am expected to be the way they want
I can barely be civil with some of my closest friends
And I know what is about to be said
Well you've gotten out of this before you can do it again
And as has been haunting me, 'You said no more apathy and look at what you are doing now'
Well I would try to fix my life but I am too tired
And so the solution would be to go to bed at a reasonable hour
Which would be nice if I wasn't such an insomniac
And what makes me an insomniac is stress and when I don't sleep I become more stressed turning into a very vicious cycle until I will eventually collapse into a quivering heap
I don't even know what is supposed to be written here
I wanted to be creative but that is just too hard
And I wanted this to be about God and my desire to be closer to him but I don't even know if that is what I desire right now
I feel like it would just be completing the cycle of me growing apathetic and then realizing for the millionth time that I need God, which I have been aware of this whole time, and running back to his arms once again riddled with guilt over my ridiculous back and forth attitude.
So this time I am just aimlessly wandering around wondering what to do and hoping my entire life does not fall apart because I can't deal with that right now
Because this isn't high school anymore, I can't afford to fall apart for a semester and have my grades go to crap, I actually have to do well and need motivation if I want to do anything with my life
But that is a completely different and slight irrelevant topic

Censor's Warning: This will make you uncomfortable

I want to be in control
I want to take hold of these desires and live them
I want to see free all that I shove down every single day and release it
I want...
To be selfish
Because right now I feel the need to apologize for my selfish behaviour as if it has anything to do you with you
Which it doesn't but does
But that is not the point, this is about me, not you
I am so damn tired of trying so damn hard
And every time I fall short I feel like the entire world is going to collapse around me
And I am aware of grace and if I was to truly go against my nature that is what I would be living in
But as previously stated I want to be in control
And what gives me control, is anger
I can find about any reason to be angry, anything to justify it and then I can control how I use my anger, what drives me and motivates me to press forward
But that is exhausting, being angry, not as exhausting as trying so hard
To fit this image, to be what everyone else expects me to be
Not even negative expectations, but exhausting expectations
While the world is crumbling around me I appear to be intact because I am a leader and while I am allowed to fall short there are limits to the weakness I am allowed
At least in my mind there is
Because this is about my mind
And the slow crumbling of sanity
And this slow descent has been flavored with many different themes
All of which can be easily justifiable and blown off if the need arises
Which it does at any point when investment might just occur
And so that touch that I always cringe from
And that hand placed on my shoulder out of love that I tend to shrug out of
Just remember it is not you, it's me
My personal descent into madness has been a solitary journey and so your gestures have made me uncomfortable
What else makes me uncomfortable, thinking about the looks you will give me and the thoughts you will have after you read this examination into my personal examination
 But if you can answer me this then all may be solved and I shall resume the normal life that I would much prefer to be a part of
What is the point?
I don't need some fluff answer I have literally heard over 100 times. I need to know what the point is to living, trying, and especially loving. Or even hoping for love, to be loved
Or even hoping to be worth of a double take
But now we're just getting into wishful thinking
That silly part of the back of my brain that holds out that little bit of hope that I am worthy of someones attention
And by someone's I actually mean a man's, obviously
But that is just silly, obviously. And don't try to tell me otherwise because I have 20years of evidence to tell you otherwise
And this is not me self-loathing, at least in this case, it is more of a statement of fact, a presentation of the evidence, if you will.
And that wall that I kept talking about, that I didn't want to go up
Well it did, sometime back, without my knowledge
My subconscious is odd like that, tends to be a little over protective
Reminds me of the past and implements protections strategies against possible injury
And if you have made it this far then good job. And if you are worried about me, don't be, I've made it through worse, and just remember this is just a sample of what I am actually thinking
And if you are all frustrated that you think this is too weird or personal to post just remember I did warn you in the title
And as previously mentioned, this isn't even about you, this was about me