I want to be in control
I want to take hold of these desires and live them
I want to see free all that I shove down every single day and release it
I want...
To be selfish
Because right now I feel the need to apologize for my selfish behaviour as if it has anything to do you with you
Which it doesn't but does
But that is not the point, this is about me, not you
I am so damn tired of trying so damn hard
And every time I fall short I feel like the entire world is going to collapse around me
And I am aware of grace and if I was to truly go against my nature that is what I would be living in
But as previously stated I want to be in control
And what gives me control, is anger
I can find about any reason to be angry, anything to justify it and then I can control how I use my anger, what drives me and motivates me to press forward
But that is exhausting, being angry, not as exhausting as trying so hard
To fit this image, to be what everyone else expects me to be
Not even negative expectations, but exhausting expectations
While the world is crumbling around me I appear to be intact because I am a leader and while I am allowed to fall short there are limits to the weakness I am allowed
At least in my mind there is
Because this is about my mind
And the slow crumbling of sanity
And this slow descent has been flavored with many different themes
All of which can be easily justifiable and blown off if the need arises
Which it does at any point when investment might just occur
And so that touch that I always cringe from
And that hand placed on my shoulder out of love that I tend to shrug out of
Just remember it is not you, it's me
My personal descent into madness has been a solitary journey and so your gestures have made me uncomfortable
What else makes me uncomfortable, thinking about the looks you will give me and the thoughts you will have after you read this examination into my personal examination
But if you can answer me this then all may be solved and I shall resume the normal life that I would much prefer to be a part of
What is the point?
I don't need some fluff answer I have literally heard over 100 times. I need to know what the point is to living, trying, and especially loving. Or even hoping for love, to be loved
Or even hoping to be worth of a double take
But now we're just getting into wishful thinking
That silly part of the back of my brain that holds out that little bit of hope that I am worthy of someones attention
And by someone's I actually mean a man's, obviously
But that is just silly, obviously. And don't try to tell me otherwise because I have 20years of evidence to tell you otherwise
And this is not me self-loathing, at least in this case, it is more of a statement of fact, a presentation of the evidence, if you will.
And that wall that I kept talking about, that I didn't want to go up
Well it did, sometime back, without my knowledge
My subconscious is odd like that, tends to be a little over protective
Reminds me of the past and implements protections strategies against possible injury
And if you have made it this far then good job. And if you are worried about me, don't be, I've made it through worse, and just remember this is just a sample of what I am actually thinking
And if you are all frustrated that you think this is too weird or personal to post just remember I did warn you in the title
And as previously mentioned, this isn't even about you, this was about me
I want to take hold of these desires and live them
I want to see free all that I shove down every single day and release it
I want...
To be selfish
Because right now I feel the need to apologize for my selfish behaviour as if it has anything to do you with you
Which it doesn't but does
But that is not the point, this is about me, not you
I am so damn tired of trying so damn hard
And every time I fall short I feel like the entire world is going to collapse around me
And I am aware of grace and if I was to truly go against my nature that is what I would be living in
But as previously stated I want to be in control
And what gives me control, is anger
I can find about any reason to be angry, anything to justify it and then I can control how I use my anger, what drives me and motivates me to press forward
But that is exhausting, being angry, not as exhausting as trying so hard
To fit this image, to be what everyone else expects me to be
Not even negative expectations, but exhausting expectations
While the world is crumbling around me I appear to be intact because I am a leader and while I am allowed to fall short there are limits to the weakness I am allowed
At least in my mind there is
Because this is about my mind
And the slow crumbling of sanity
And this slow descent has been flavored with many different themes
All of which can be easily justifiable and blown off if the need arises
Which it does at any point when investment might just occur
And so that touch that I always cringe from
And that hand placed on my shoulder out of love that I tend to shrug out of
Just remember it is not you, it's me
My personal descent into madness has been a solitary journey and so your gestures have made me uncomfortable
What else makes me uncomfortable, thinking about the looks you will give me and the thoughts you will have after you read this examination into my personal examination
But if you can answer me this then all may be solved and I shall resume the normal life that I would much prefer to be a part of
What is the point?
I don't need some fluff answer I have literally heard over 100 times. I need to know what the point is to living, trying, and especially loving. Or even hoping for love, to be loved
Or even hoping to be worth of a double take
But now we're just getting into wishful thinking
That silly part of the back of my brain that holds out that little bit of hope that I am worthy of someones attention
And by someone's I actually mean a man's, obviously
But that is just silly, obviously. And don't try to tell me otherwise because I have 20years of evidence to tell you otherwise
And this is not me self-loathing, at least in this case, it is more of a statement of fact, a presentation of the evidence, if you will.
And that wall that I kept talking about, that I didn't want to go up
Well it did, sometime back, without my knowledge
My subconscious is odd like that, tends to be a little over protective
Reminds me of the past and implements protections strategies against possible injury
And if you have made it this far then good job. And if you are worried about me, don't be, I've made it through worse, and just remember this is just a sample of what I am actually thinking
And if you are all frustrated that you think this is too weird or personal to post just remember I did warn you in the title
And as previously mentioned, this isn't even about you, this was about me
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