Letting Go

I'm scared.
I've realized how hard that is for me to admit as I am saying it out loud more and more often
The future scares me and makes me so nervous
But that is just a demonstration that I am not trusting God completely
I know he has it figured out and I don't need some arbitrary GPA to determine if I will get into the program that I need to be in
God will get me where I need to go
And maybe I don't know where that is, that is fine, it means I have to surrender
Which I can do, it just takes a lot of prayer and some support
But I have some amazing people who support me and talk me down from the ledges I put myself on
Freaking out about the future and worrying
I need to enjoy the moment I am in and realize that God has it under control
I just need to let go

When everything gets switched around

Do you ever just get hit with this self awareness that just knocks you off your feet?
You are walking around and everything is fine and than you acknowledge some thought and you are hit with the overwhelming truth behind the statement
And it isn't a fun feeling, everything felt normal and now there is no getting away from this new revelation
Not like you didn't know this before, it is nothing new, but it was in a box tucked away in the dark recesses of self denial
I mean everything was fine I was in no need of this overwhelming and ever present thought
But there is no closing that box once it has been opened
No shoving it back in the corner and letting it collect dust
It is there, center stage, no ignoring what needs to be dealt with
How do you begin to deal with this well hidden idea?
With this truth that you never wanted to acknowledge was a truth?
It gets into every thought and every action, takes your perception of the world and shakes it up
Now everything is off balance
It was all going according to plan
And now, well now it has all changed

What a moment

Wow, what a day I had yesterday, completely knocked off my feet.
It was one of those days that had excellent beginnings, great way to end a week. Got a midterm back, did decently well on it and then last class of the day, 50 min until the weekend and I was just destroyed.
Got a midterm back, got a 48% one it, this huge F just glaring at me, I did not know how to deal with that.
I sat there in stunned silence, trying to hold back the tears until I could get somewhere private.
Got home with plans to study all evening, but I had this nagging in my head that the only way I was going to deal with this was to read my bible.
So I let myself sit on the floor and cry, I was devastated  Then I put on my nastiest, but comfiest sweats, grabbed my bible and opened it up. And I opened it to the next chapter I was supposed to read, and it happened to Esther. Almost like God had planned it. One of my favourite books and stories in the bible, one that truly talks about trusting God with your life and knowing it is only in him will we see his plans come to fruition.
I prayed and realized how badly I am trying to do this on my own. I feel this weight about all I have to do, getting into the education program and proving to myself that I am smart enough to be in university. Apparently God did not like this attitude. And so when I finally become a good student also happens to be the first time I fail something. It didn't fit into my plan, my overwhelming need I feel to bring up my GPA. Silly me, thinking God was going to let me do this on my own. No, I need to humble myself and realize that even if I don't have the grades, God will get me into the program I need to be in and the places I need to go. I need to let this worry go and that is a difficult concept for me to wrap my mind around. Something I am struggling to get into my head and my heart.
And with that mentality my entire evening turned around. The sadness left me and I was able to enjoy some good times with friends, laughing off the grade and realizing I can do this, but not on my own.
I am so thankful for that whisper that I listened to and read my bible and was productive. God used this opportunity to prove two things to me. One: That only in his strength am I going to accomplish anything and I need to humble myself to him. And Two: That I am capable of being the positive person he has intended for me. That I can move past sadness with him and there is no need for me to linger, he can pull me out of anything and put me on my feet, but I have to listen to him. 

Whispered Truthes

I have been thinking about testimonies lately and how would I share mine and it got me to thinking...

I grew up being told to be strong, to be strong in what I believe and who I am.

Along with this strength came a fierce independence to do things by myself. 

However this strength did not manifest the it had been intended, the way I had been told.

Strength meant appearing strong and being stronger than those around me

I always stuck out when I was younger, I can't really say why, but I did and in a world like ours sticking out isn't any good

So I used the strength I believed I possessed, I decided that to be strong meant that nobody knew how much it hurt to be alone, how much it sucked to feel like you didn't belong

And strength meant that I was in control of those around me and the friendships that I had

To control these friendships meant having lines and knowing that nobody was allowed to cross them

And to prevent people from hurting me I hurt them first.

Which meant using my words, which led to sarcasm being my defense

Which left me as a very angry, sarcastic and depressed girl

This depression ran deep, into my soul and it was fed with lies that the world told me and I took as truth

And so this was my new reality, one of darkness and anger

These new truths all spelled out one main principle in my life, that I wasn't worth anything, that there really was no point to me being around

And as this belief hit its climax and I didn't believe that life was worth it anymore, God strategically and subtly put people in my life to begin to point me in the right direction

Not in a way I would realize, but in a way that would get me off the path I was on and where God intended me to be

All of the sudden there was a light at the end of the tunnel, it was dim but in existence, something to push towards, an end in sight

And so I pushed and I worked, well God worked and pushed against my independence that told me I needed to fix myself 

But it wasn't that easy and I fell and continue to fall

But God got me there, sometimes by just gently picking me up placing me back on track and sometimes by kicking me back to where I needed to be with the pain I needed to remember who I needed to be listening to

With these pushes he led me towards missions and the deep love I have for children everywhere. He led me to Ecuador when I was 17 and again the next year. He gave me the opportunity to go to Chile and Colombia and India and have my heart break for all his lost children.
These opportunities prepared me for the next stage of my journey, one that seemed less exciting but proved just as fruitful.
As I finally had the opportunity to be independent and live on my own. A time that has led to some of my closest moments with God and some of the darkest moments I have encountered in my life. 

And even with his ever present guidance I still fell, the darkness would overcome and I would fall once again into the depression that would over take my life. 

But all this taught me so much more what it means to have faith when there is nothing left to hold onto.

And more than that it has taught me what it truly means to be covered in God's grace, as I shout against him and walk away from his perfect plan all because I let the lies over take my life once again.

As I come out of a period of darkness and immense pain I am able to once again look at God and see just how much he loves me even when I am lost. He doesn't condemn me for believing the lies but instead whispers truths that overtake the lies and remind of why I am here and that he will continue to give me hope even when I am blinded by the darkness. 

asdfghjk

So....I was having an excellent day, good weather, good exit interview, even got into some of the courses I need for next semester
And then I go to the advisors office and it all falls apart
Turns out that psych course that I paid $600 for and spent 6months killing myself over might not be transferable because I didn't have the right approval. I even got an A in the course, which is a rarity for me.
So, now I have to hope that they will let me bend the rules and accept the course, or else I am even further behind and killed myself for nothing.
I am a little frustrated

with each heartbeat

There is finally hope, a light at the end of the tunnel

I am finally getting my joy back

And it feels so refreshing, as if I am really breathing for the first time in 4 months

I don't know what changed, there was no conscious decision

On the brink of giving up and walking away it all started getting better

Instead of finding every negative part of my day, I am searching for the positive

I would love to say that there was some huge moment and now life is fantastic and their no repercussions for the way I have been living my life

But their are consequences to every action, and the habits that have been formed may now be broken, possibly again or for the first time

But then again, I don't want anything dramatic and emotional, I want a steady change and conviction.

I am not all of the sudden going to be bouncing off the walls with joy, ready to reclaim my spot in life

I am however ready for a deeply personal re connection with God in which I slowly rebuild my life and look to the places where I have fallen and work to fix each one.

I have not found my public joy but my personal joy, the stuff that makes me smile to myself and feel warm inside, as if I can feel my heart warm inside my chest. 

I am well aware of the fact that it is going to be painful, but I want this. I say I want to live in the truth and to do that I need to find out what the truth is in my life

I already realize how much I have learned from my failure. Where I am lacking and what I need more of. Just how much I am an introvert and just how much my past continues to hurt me and how much harder it is to forgive people.

I also discovered that I have learned a lot over the past  years and that my ability to trust has grown so much more than I had imagined. That I am not the same person I used to be, I love the new more critical thinker that I have become. I am still wildly passionate, but I can now back up my ideas with the research and ideas I have learned about. My passions are no longer empty emotions, but attainable goals and things that can lead to change if I pursue them. 

I am not the woman I imagined I would be but that is not the point, I am becoming the woman I was intended to be and taking a much different path then expected, leading to the same goal but taking a different root.

And with each heartbeat I can move closer to the plans he has for me, my hope and my future

My Analytic Perspective on Kony 2012

To begin this I would like to warn all readers that this is my perspective and it may offend you, it is also going to be on a lot of different issues you may not be aware of and that you may not agree of. But if university has taught me one thing it is to look at issues critically and with a educational perspective. I do not claim to be an expert in this topic and I do wish to learn more but I feel the need to use what I have learned and apply it to my life.

Simplicity:
This video oversimplifies a very complex issue in a very complex country. Uganda is a broken country that has a long history of colonization and war between the very divided Christian and Muslim religions. Yes, Kony has been a terror to that nation and the issue of child soldiers breaks my heart and yes he needs to be held accountable for his atrocities. There is also the simple issue of the fact that Kony is not even in Uganda anymore, which makes me wonder how many other facts were skimmed over to make the video more simple. But, with that said, we also need to look at the issue surrounding the Ugandan army. Invisible children says they want to work with them but the Ugandan army is known for raping and looting, something that Invisible Children are trying so hard to fight against. They take the issue of child soldiers and an existing problem, for the past 26 years and saying it is something that can be easily solved.

Invisible Children:
The invisible children are a controversial organization to begin with, their finances have been questioned as there seems to be a large amount of funds that go towards administrative costs and not as much towards the actual programs. And that bothers me because I want the money that I am giving to be going towards the people that need it most. I also have an issue with the fact that they say now is the time to make a change and make it sound like they are the first ones to bring light to this issue. There are many different well established organizations within Uganda that have been working towards freeing these children soldiers and towards the plethora of issues in that country. Where is there recognition and the realization that they have made an impact and are still working hard, not for the recognition but to help make a change.

Racism:
This is the part that is going to bother people and you may not recognize because it isn't overtly stated. But if you look it can be seen in the amount of white people that are portrayed as the saviours of those in Uganda. There are hints at the 'white man's burden', that insinuates that we need to save them because they are the victims that can't help themselves. That is not the mentality that we need to have, we need to use our resources to come in and work with the organizations they have and work with them, not do the work for them. It is the us vs. them mentality that led to colonization and has destroyed indigenous cultures. When countries went into nations and said that they needed help and said they had the best way and needed to 'fix' the locals and that we know best. That is what bothers me most, and makes me the most uncomfortable.
There is also the issue with the individualism of the situation, the narrator talks about all HE did and uses I and ME and look at all I have accomplished and aren't I amazing. The way he explains it to his son and the focus on them for so long when that is not supposed to be the point of the video.

Sexism:
I know what you are thinking, typical feminist, finds the sexism in everything but I do see some definite discrimination. The first one that I see is the fact that when the narrator talks about his issues with his son or shows him growing up we see twice that he also has a daughter but she is never seen and why is that? Why is his son the one that is privileged in getting an explanation as to what his father does and gets the opportunity to be starred in the movie. The other I see is just the lack of women within the video, where are the mothers and grandmothers that have been fighting for these children and have been so involved in the fight for the next generation. Where are the women and why aren't they worthy of our time?

I have more questions then answers and to find out these answers much more analysis is needed.

I don't know exactly what I am trying to say and this is just my perspective on a personal level and as a student desiring to have a more critical perspective on the world. I want to make more informed decisions and I want to begin to understand where I stand in the world and if I don't agree with something I want to learn how to portray my ideas and becomes a more well informed individual.

Also: I think this blog post gives a good Christian perspective in my opinion. http://jamesmccarty.wordpress.com/2012/03/07/christian-ethics-invisible-children-kony-2012-and-international-advocacy/

That was nice

It was fun, easy
A reminder of that feeling
It felt good to laugh until I cried
To be understood and listened to
To be on someone's priority list
A good reminder of why I stick around
Being a little ridiculous
Refreshing and marvelous

I don't get out much

Today was one of those days that I want to say was awful but in all honesty it wasn't.
The sunrise was stunning and even with the wind I love this weather because it is the perfect temperature for me and the sun seems so bright.
I had my second day of practicum, much calmer then the first, got more of an opportunity to work with the kids and experience a school setting. And I got an agenda, I was excited, I used to love those big agendas.
I did however have a kid cry while I was trying to teach him math and I felt awful but realized it was just a part of the process.
I then rush out to get to my next class on the other side of town to find out that I left a car light on and it won't start now. So I get someone to help me boost it and it still won't start. So I call my friends who live near by to see if they will come help me and they wouldn't so I was a little frustrated (I thought I was going to be ranting about that today). Call another friend who says she will skip a class if I am in desperate need of a ride. Call AMA and they say it could take an hour and I might have to tow it. Well at this point I have given up on getting to my next class and I sit back and hope I can at least make it to the class after that. And then my friend texts me asks what the problem with my car is and if I need any help. And I know that is a small thing but is was reassuring in it's own way. Well right after this conversation AMA shows up in half an hour gets my car started and I am on my way. Made it to school with time to purchase some food and make it to my last 2 classes which were both rather enjoyable.
I also talked with my mom about buying a different car, which may seem rather difficult seeing how I have no money but much better than wanting to take a baseball bat to my car.
Somehow I didn't let all the small things get in the way of what turned out to be a lovely day. 

Another Uneventful Day

Today is a rather uneventful day, no spectacular holidays, no milestone in my life.
Well my best friend turned 21 and that is fantastic but what I mean is there is no real reason for me to be excited.
And I'm not actually that excited, I am happy however and have decided that instead of only writing about my emotions and trying to make my writing all special I can just right about the small things and the big moments...one of those moments being that I had an awesome Saturday with my best friend who obviously warrants 2 mentions today because she is just so special, well I guess that is 3.
Anyway...moving on...excellent weekend, got to hang out with my real family and my adopted family and it feels great to be surrounded by people who love me and want to know me better.
Got to go to calgary, took the bus, got picked up by my excellent father, went paintballing with some awesome friends I haven't seen in forever and got to go out that night and have some more fun being ridiculous.
Then on sunday I got to hang out with my fantastic brother and then go to teen challenge and be wonderfully blessed there. It is amazing to see these men working to better their lives and grow closer to God, they bless me more than I ever bless them. But the real awesome began on the 2 hour drive home when I got to talk about God for 2 hours and hear so many amazing stories, talk about what we struggle with and most importantly be able to be open in a way I haven't in a very long time and use my struggles to bring glory to God. All in all an excellent weekend from beginning to end.

And my current song obsession of the moment: Fort Minor-Where'd you go- Dubstep remaster. It is fantastic you should listen to it. I know I am copying about 5 other people by talking about music but I have this song on repeat right now and I don't think my roommates want to hear me talk about it again.

Oh...and one more thing...Happy 21st Birthday Rosalind Lightle! If I could remember your middle name it would be there. I hope you continue to have an amazing day and as much as I wish I was there I know you know that I love you, anyway...be blessed and I am counting down the days till I can see you again. 

It's a wonder I even bothered to write this

This is the part where it is supposed to turn around
It is a well-oiled machine, it has been around for a while and served it's purpose quite well
But this time it has failed
It has gotten stuck and has looped the same moment over and again
I know it is up to me to get the machine going again and be moving on
But I just can't be bothered
I have been presented with more opportunities than I can count
But I have chosen not to take them for reasons that are even beyond me
Honestly, passed all the BS and passive, cryptic talk
I have no motivation
And when I say that I mean that it is a feat to even get out of bed in the morning let alone do something to try to fix the mess of a life I am living right now
I can barely even manage to maintain a decent conversation with one person let alone a whole group
Especially when I am expected to be the way they want
I can barely be civil with some of my closest friends
And I know what is about to be said
Well you've gotten out of this before you can do it again
And as has been haunting me, 'You said no more apathy and look at what you are doing now'
Well I would try to fix my life but I am too tired
And so the solution would be to go to bed at a reasonable hour
Which would be nice if I wasn't such an insomniac
And what makes me an insomniac is stress and when I don't sleep I become more stressed turning into a very vicious cycle until I will eventually collapse into a quivering heap
I don't even know what is supposed to be written here
I wanted to be creative but that is just too hard
And I wanted this to be about God and my desire to be closer to him but I don't even know if that is what I desire right now
I feel like it would just be completing the cycle of me growing apathetic and then realizing for the millionth time that I need God, which I have been aware of this whole time, and running back to his arms once again riddled with guilt over my ridiculous back and forth attitude.
So this time I am just aimlessly wandering around wondering what to do and hoping my entire life does not fall apart because I can't deal with that right now
Because this isn't high school anymore, I can't afford to fall apart for a semester and have my grades go to crap, I actually have to do well and need motivation if I want to do anything with my life
But that is a completely different and slight irrelevant topic

Censor's Warning: This will make you uncomfortable

I want to be in control
I want to take hold of these desires and live them
I want to see free all that I shove down every single day and release it
I want...
To be selfish
Because right now I feel the need to apologize for my selfish behaviour as if it has anything to do you with you
Which it doesn't but does
But that is not the point, this is about me, not you
I am so damn tired of trying so damn hard
And every time I fall short I feel like the entire world is going to collapse around me
And I am aware of grace and if I was to truly go against my nature that is what I would be living in
But as previously stated I want to be in control
And what gives me control, is anger
I can find about any reason to be angry, anything to justify it and then I can control how I use my anger, what drives me and motivates me to press forward
But that is exhausting, being angry, not as exhausting as trying so hard
To fit this image, to be what everyone else expects me to be
Not even negative expectations, but exhausting expectations
While the world is crumbling around me I appear to be intact because I am a leader and while I am allowed to fall short there are limits to the weakness I am allowed
At least in my mind there is
Because this is about my mind
And the slow crumbling of sanity
And this slow descent has been flavored with many different themes
All of which can be easily justifiable and blown off if the need arises
Which it does at any point when investment might just occur
And so that touch that I always cringe from
And that hand placed on my shoulder out of love that I tend to shrug out of
Just remember it is not you, it's me
My personal descent into madness has been a solitary journey and so your gestures have made me uncomfortable
What else makes me uncomfortable, thinking about the looks you will give me and the thoughts you will have after you read this examination into my personal examination
 But if you can answer me this then all may be solved and I shall resume the normal life that I would much prefer to be a part of
What is the point?
I don't need some fluff answer I have literally heard over 100 times. I need to know what the point is to living, trying, and especially loving. Or even hoping for love, to be loved
Or even hoping to be worth of a double take
But now we're just getting into wishful thinking
That silly part of the back of my brain that holds out that little bit of hope that I am worthy of someones attention
And by someone's I actually mean a man's, obviously
But that is just silly, obviously. And don't try to tell me otherwise because I have 20years of evidence to tell you otherwise
And this is not me self-loathing, at least in this case, it is more of a statement of fact, a presentation of the evidence, if you will.
And that wall that I kept talking about, that I didn't want to go up
Well it did, sometime back, without my knowledge
My subconscious is odd like that, tends to be a little over protective
Reminds me of the past and implements protections strategies against possible injury
And if you have made it this far then good job. And if you are worried about me, don't be, I've made it through worse, and just remember this is just a sample of what I am actually thinking
And if you are all frustrated that you think this is too weird or personal to post just remember I did warn you in the title
And as previously mentioned, this isn't even about you, this was about me