Fear of the winding road

I'm scared, actually I am petrified.
I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that if I take a year of off school is the wrong decision.
I don't know why it worries me so much but I think about it on a daily basis. Even with all the reassurances and encouragements, I worry, I over think and I doubt.
I am sure that this is what God wants, he has opened every door and encouraged me at every turn so why do I doubt so much?
Is it because it is not the norm? Because I am scared of what others say?
At the end of the day God is going to get me where he wants me to go and if that means taking the longer road then so be it, taking the straight road never sounded that exciting anyway.

Brushstrokes

I asked for a way to worship God, to go past what I was comfortable with a be pushed to something new.

So I painted, I have never been artistic and I have always wanted to paint. I was given the opportunity to see God in a new light, meet him in a different way and be so blessed. He met me in between the brushstrokes. 

And then as I sat and doubted and wondered if I was making the right decision he met me in my doubt. I sat paralyzed by fear once again and he sent me people to encourage me. People to tell me that I am on the right path; that just by telling me they thought I was doing the right thing they unintentionally reassured me.

It blows me away how God will meet me in the small things, when I just want to get closer to him or need encouragement he is there ready to meet me in every moment, fill every breath with his overwhelming presence. When I am at my weakest is when I get to see his strength and really appreciate all he can do for me. 

I am the thorn in your crown// But you love me anyway

I am so often hit by the magnitude of God's word and his love for me. I will be reading my bible and as I slow down I realize the words being written have such power and I take them so for granted. I just sit there and am blown away by how applicable every single word is. I know this sounds silly and something blatantly obvious but I just love being blown away by God's word.
And to think of all the I have put God through, all that I have sinned and all that I have done to walk away and he loves me still. When I have forsaken him and and tried to walk on my own but he loves me anyway.
I don't know what I am trying to say but I do know that I have all these thoughts and inspiration swirling around my head but this exhaustion seems to be clouding everything.
But I was talking to a friend about spending time alone and not finding it selfish to say no when friends want to hang out. She was mentioning the fact that she was learning to fight complacency and how taking a step back from friends will help take a step closer to God. I realized how true that is, friends can be such a distraction from the things that God has. Being with my friends too much causes me to become so dependent on their guidance and love in my life that I get distracted from God's guidance and approval and the love that I need to get from him.
There are so many different things that God has been showing me or whispering to me as I spend this week alone. I thought this week of working at night would suck because it would mean no sleep and less time with friends but it has given me the chance to have free time and just relax and spend time alone and enjoy the summer and enjoy the silence. I am so excited to go back to normal sleep patterns and working during the day but I am also grateful that I had this week to really use the time I was given to feel productive and feel like I could take a moment and just breath.

The other day a friend of mine said something that really struck me as something that I could relate to. She put into words what I had been trying to figure out.
She said it like this:
"you see, the truth is that i have been avoiding telling the truth...and it's really hard to write when you're avoiding the truth. when you have to pretend to be someone else, you sort-of...lack inspiration."
I realized the validity of this statement in my own life as I sat and tried to think of something to write about what has going on in life. 
and i realized i didn't want to write because i didn't want to acknowledge the truth even to myself
The truth that my heart is bruised and has been like that for sometime now
It just aches and I don't know how to deal with it
Every time I take a step forward to begin healing it seems that something is right in front of me waiting to let it injure me again
And it is not like life has been bad. I mean life has been awesome this past month. I have laughed so much and made so many awesome memories. But not with the people that i expected so many of these moments to be with, not that, that is bad either because i have gotten close to so many people
But at the end of the day as I am drifting off to sleep I am always reminded of the fact that my heart hurts
And these hurts that are happening are not new or unexpected but i know they are coming which makes them even harder to deal with sometimes. and every time i tell myself this is the last time i will let myself get hurt it just happens all over again
but i guess at the end of the day this is just one more thing that draws me closer to God and one more thing in my life that gives me the opportunity to rely on someone i normally wouldn't and trust people that i never knew i would turn to
this month, this summer, has been a summer of surprises, good and bad, and i think as long as i keep down the path of looking to God i will be able to continue growing and continue laughing