The other day a friend of mine said something that really struck me as something that I could relate to. She put into words what I had been trying to figure out.
She said it like this:
"you see, the truth is that i have been avoiding telling the truth...and it's really hard to write when you're avoiding the truth. when you have to pretend to be someone else, you sort-of...lack inspiration."
I realized the validity of this statement in my own life as I sat and tried to think of something to write about what has going on in life. 
and i realized i didn't want to write because i didn't want to acknowledge the truth even to myself
The truth that my heart is bruised and has been like that for sometime now
It just aches and I don't know how to deal with it
Every time I take a step forward to begin healing it seems that something is right in front of me waiting to let it injure me again
And it is not like life has been bad. I mean life has been awesome this past month. I have laughed so much and made so many awesome memories. But not with the people that i expected so many of these moments to be with, not that, that is bad either because i have gotten close to so many people
But at the end of the day as I am drifting off to sleep I am always reminded of the fact that my heart hurts
And these hurts that are happening are not new or unexpected but i know they are coming which makes them even harder to deal with sometimes. and every time i tell myself this is the last time i will let myself get hurt it just happens all over again
but i guess at the end of the day this is just one more thing that draws me closer to God and one more thing in my life that gives me the opportunity to rely on someone i normally wouldn't and trust people that i never knew i would turn to
this month, this summer, has been a summer of surprises, good and bad, and i think as long as i keep down the path of looking to God i will be able to continue growing and continue laughing