Open Wounds

I feel like I've spend my whole life being picked at, prodded and asked to change
To act, look, talk and be a certain way
To stand a little taller, to try a little harder
To alter myself a little bit every day until I don't recognize who I am and who I wanted to be
I don't know the difference between a word of kind guidance and another pick away at who I am. I can't tell and so I don't know how to not be on the defense. I hate when people talk about me and tell me things to change. It confirms my own suspicions that I'll never quite reach anyone's expectations
I take up too much space. The size of my body and personality are just too much. Could I just be a little bit smaller and sensitive to the needs of others. Could I stop taking up so much of everyone else's space with my passion, with my harsh and loud voice.
Could I wear a bit more make up, lose a bit more weight, eat a little less chocolate. Could I just try a little harder.
Could I be a little smarter, school isn't that hard.
Get a better job, look at everyone one else, why can't you find a good paying job, just ignore your desires and go for the money.
I try so hard to be someone I can look back on and be proud of. I try to hold my head in confidence. But I feel like an open sore just trying to heal. Over sensitive and taking everything that is said to heart. When I take a step forward I feel ripped open again. Feel like all my insecurities are one big sore, all connected and hurting, with no room to heal. 

Alone in this mind

People surprise me more often than not, especially myself
Parents who accept things that I had kept hidden in shame
The people who love me no matter what, even when I have hard time loving myself
And myself for loving company when traveling
Realizing that I wouldn't have been able to do this whole trip alone
Being forced to humble myself and acknowledge my dependence on others
For being so fearful of being alone
The introvert of introverts missing conversation
Maybe I just don't want to be alone with my thoughts
Unable to trust myself, that I know what I am doing, instead be in riddled with anxiety about getting to the next two weeks
Being terrified and with no one to turn to having to turn to God.
And realizing how long it has been since I have truly done that
Having two weeks to come face-to-face with who I have become and if that is who I want to be
Confronted with an intellect that has caused me to walk away from a faith that has saved me
How to reconcile two years of wandering
What does it look like to come back after all that time?
And more than that how to humble myself to admitting that I need that. To stop pretending and turn to face my maker
What will that look like? Without a bible with me will I really try or just feign attempts?
Will I be honest with myself and work at it?
Will I turn to those I love and ask for their help and be honest about my situation
No longer able to hide in school but pushed into this vast and foreboding world
Without a direction or an anchor
Too much change for this simple girl
Too scared at night laying in the silence of independence
I've got exactly what I want and I want to give it back
All talk but when the action time comes scared stiff and lonely.
It makes me realize how blessed I have been with the small but incredible group of people I have in my life. 

Far away and rather confused

Sitting in Montana with no cell reception and so unable to call any friends and talk about about today.
I took a big step today and asked a guy I was interested out to coffee. And it was terrifying and I am still over thinking it and worrying about too much being read into it or what not. I am supposed to be an independent, confident woman and I am losing it over this. Just wish I could call someone and giggle and over analyze because getting lost in my head is never a good idea 

Changes

It was hard to drive away today, to watch as Lethbridge disappeared in my rear view mirror
I know I will be back again, but not as going home but as visiting an old home and some amazing friends
It hurt my heart and made me sad and nostalgic.
I don't know what to do without the people in my life just a short drive away. I miss them already
Being in Calgary tonight was fun, but it is also temporary until Europe. So much transition and so little time to process it. 

Miss you...

I can't sleep and I can't get you out of my head and I hate this. I hate missing you, and I hate that I still miss you even though you aren't even the same person

I just miss you and your companionship. I miss your texts where you used my name, where you caught my eye when something funny was said.
When you asked me to save you seat and made sure to find me at the end of the event
Lunch on Sundays and coffee on weeknights
Making me dinner and watching TV
Running errands and late night drives
I miss talking to you about everyday things and every important thing
I miss your presence in my life

I hate how I perk up when I hear your name, and want to make sure you are doing okay
I hate how it breaks my heart that you are not doing okay
I hate knowing how much you helped me through life and now I don't know how to be there for you
I hate that I am up at 230am writing about you, when I haven't even seen you in months
I hate how much you have hurt me and how I still miss you

I hate that this is turning into some poem that sounds just like '10 Things I Hate About You'

Back to the Grind

I miss came. I am tired and melancholy. It was an exhausting week but so rejuvenating. I miss the people and the companionship we all shared. It is the knowledge that there are people I may never see again that makes me sad, or may only see once a year at camp. It is hard to keep in contact when we all live such different lives. Thrown together with a bunch of people you barely know, get to know each other and then leave a week later. I miss hysterical laughter and the river and the camp fire. It is my favourite place in the world but I only ever get to spend a week a year there. So much love poured out and received. My childhood years revolved around camp and in high school it saved me and brought me back to God.  So easy to laugh and hang out with people I didn't know a week ago. And now back to the real world, with technology and responsibilities and I want to go back to the bubble of camp. I know I can't live in that bubble, I just wish a week wasn't so quick. 

I always forget how much I love writing or that I am actually not to bad at it. And so as I get a little bit of that desire to write, why not come back to the place where so much of my life has been documented. I have started my university career here and as I come into my final semester this fall, I will bring this stage of my life to a close. I am scared and nervous and excited and overwhelmed and working through it all every day. 

I feel out of control and it is scary.
I don't know what it was but I felt like too much tonight, like I overwhelmed the people around me. Tried too hard
I don't know, just anxious, scared about how to be around people
I don't know...I don't know
That is all I have in my brain right now
Tired and I just don't know