Vanilla Twilight

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere


'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here


I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly


The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly


I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone


But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone


I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone


As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight


When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again


And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here


-Owl City

Un ano mas

One year
365 days since I got on a plane and came back to Canada
Since I wiped off the tears and said good bye to some amazing friends
I walked away from a country I loved so much
When I got on that plane a hole in my heart was formed
An ache in my chest
I still miss everything about those 6 months
I miss the people, the country, the food that I didn't even like and the adventures
Sitting on the ground, opening my bible and staring at the ocean
Black sand between my toes and the sun at my back
I miss listening to a language I didn't understand
A people so loving and beautiful that I was overwhelmed by them
I miss getting 10 hugs everytime I walked into a room
I crave a late night walk down a dirt path with 30 amazing people just enjoying their company
Friday night services that led to Empanada adventures
Dancing in the streets in outfits that didn't fit and it didn't even matter
Buying strawberries in the market and soaking up every moment I was there
Not caring what anyone thought of me because I love Jesus and I wanted to world to know
I miss staring at the stars and being overwhelmed by the sheer number and magnitude of their brilliance
And I miss travelling
I miss being thrown into a totally different culture and people and trying to show these people love
I miss being humbled by the awesome power of God and my inadequacy
I miss holding children and laughing at nothing
Feeling beautiful in my beautiful India clothing
Most of all I miss the people I was blessed to know
Getting to be with people from around the world and learn from them
Gleaning the knowledge from so many others 
Learning to be vulnerable, to be honest and trust
I did not want to go back to Canada, it was not home anymore, I had found peace in a new home
But Canada I returned to and I found another home and I love it
I have learned so much here and it has been incredible
But I miss Chile, I miss Colombia, I miss India.
I miss my life there
365 days ago feels like forever and no time at all

Don't Read Between the Lines

I thought this would be easy, it was all worked out and I was good to go
Freedom was mine to claim and life was moving forward
But it hasn't been, we had our moment but I am left in the same place
Left knowing that this is something I need to work for
Something that is going to take so much time
I just want to sleep, to be able to lose myself in the oblivion of nothingness
I never asked for these insecurities and these doubts
These constant swirling thoughts of what my true meaning is and what my purpose is on this earth
But here I am up too late once again, pondering everything and doubting it all
And you may come and ask for my reasons why and I don't have any
There is honestly no explanation for why this is
All I know is this is who I have always been
I am a constant extreme
There is either one or the other: joy or hurt, black or white
I don't see grey and that scares me as much as it bothers you
You listen to me ramble as I list off the reasons that I think you want to hear and I know you question
My honesty and why I am the way I am
But I don't know the answers to the questions you ask and if you have to ask the question then you don't deserve the answer anyway
Sometimes I don't want to have to make sure you understand
I want to just be and know that, that is all that matters
I desire to be more then a midnight text when I have the information you need or the perspective you desire
I want more then something private, I desire to be able to talk openly
I don't like the out that texting gives, the ability to hide behind some words and not be face to face honest
I want to be understood, that through my half finished sentances you are able to feel what I feel
Because I feel your hurt and I ache for you, I cry for you
I don't want to worry about whether or not everything is okay between us, I want simplicity
I want you to be able to read my face and know something is wrong
That you will ask me a question and just listen to the answer, even if that answer is longer than anticipated
Even if it means taking longer then expected to get somewhere, even if it means sitting in a parking lot for longer then anticipated
I want to be with you and not worry about your expectations
I need facts sometimes, not just feelings
And I need protection, I need you to want to protect me from hurt
You probably think this is about you and parts of it are but it is about so many different people that does it really matter? If you try to figure out when I am talking about you won't you just walk away hurt and disapointed? So don't try to see accusations where they aren't, don't try to find condemnation where it doesn't exist. As you try to read between the lines why not just move on and let this be what it is, if I don't want to explain why bother pushing it? If I want to be cryptic is that not my choice on my blog?
So just let me be me, let me have my complexities and confusion and when I want to tell you I will. Shouldn't the only thing that matters be the fact that I care for you deeply, that I love you and our friendship, that even when I doubt I know that God has put you in my life for a reason.

Some God moments are better left unsaid

I feel like tonight was one of those nights meant to be between me and God. I mean He set up perfectly, I had the apartment to myself and I was procrastinating, what else would I do but rock out to some music and journal a little. All I know is that there literally are no words to describe God, I want to but it is impossible. And I have also learned to never ask for a demonstration of God's power because he will show me and it will be terrifying.

Mirrors

There is so much dirt upon this mirror that there is no chance to see
No chance to see a true reflection of what is staring back at me
Through this dirt I only see a distorted reflection
I see what the world has led me to believe is my reflection
I want to see what you see
My fingernails are caked with dirt as I desperatly try to clean away the grim the world has left
As sweat and tears begin to mingle I resign myself to settling for what I have
I have a sliver of clean mirror in which I see myself
Every once in a while I catch just a glimpse of how you see me and you were right, I am beautiful
But then that moment fades and I am staring at myself through the screen that covers the truth
I can't see past the words scrawled so hastily upon my mirror
No one even realized what they were doing
Taking their words, their random comments and making sure they stuck
And now they are there and no amount of cleaning can remove them
These precious words that you have spoken are forgotten so much faster
Please help me glimpse just one more second of what it is you see

Remove my Apathy

Search my heart O Lord and know me
I want to be able to say those words and mean them
I want you to be able to look into every room of my heart and clear out the dust
But I am holding back, we both know that
There is one door left
In the corner there is one room I have spent the past 5 years ignoring
I have given so much up to you Father, so much I have worked through
I don't know how to open that room
There is nothing pleasant in there
The shame that has been building up is seeping out the cracks
It has begun to affect everything around it
There is an infection in my heart
It will hurt too much to remove
Please just let me bear this shame, let me keep this to myself
I don't know how to say this outloud
Lord I gave most of it up to you
Just let me keep this dark corner to myself
Let me wallow
Must I expose every part of myself, are you going to scrub me raw
I feel stings of pain as your gentle hands work over such wounded flesh
This broken piece of my heart
I know people will understand, I know there won't be judgement
But I gave this part of myself to someone who never deserved a piece of my heart
How do I get that back? How do I reclaim what belongs to you God?
How does something that happened so long ago have so much power over me
I have given this shame up to you over and again yet it always resettles over my heart
This part of my past is leaking into the rest of my heart
If I don't give it up now it will infect all of me
Is there anyway to remove this sore without any pain?
Take this from me Lord, I can't hold on any longer
I don't know how to give this up, I don't even know what to say
But it is time to take this broken heart and make it whole again

What Happens in the Furnace

Do you see the fire? Do you see the furnace burn?
The flames are leaping forward, the smoke is rising slowly
Are you ready for the heat? Do you see the tempurature rising?
It's time to walk towards the flame, close your eyes as the heat consumes you.
But do you feel alone? Don't you feel that presence, is that someone there beside you?
What is this light beside, is that your Saviour there?
Your Jesus there to hold your hand and help you through these flames
Where is the heat that should be there and why aren't your clothes in flames?
And what is this falling from your chest, the only thing that's burning up.
Where has this freedom come from, where have your strongholds gone?
Your ropes have been removed, this freedom is yours to claim
This furnace has left you untouched, it has not done what was expected.  
As you flex your muscles in this freedom remember who has freed you
Remember all the love he has and how he walks with you
So walk towards this furnace, holding your head high.
Remember who is on your side and who will stand with you

Hymn for the Missing

I tried to walk together
But the night was growing dark
Thought you were beside me
But I reached and you were gone
Sometimes I hear you calling
From some lost and distant shore
I hear you crying softly before the way it was before

Where are you now
Are you lost
Will I find you again
Are you alone
Are you afraid
Are you searching for me
Why did you go I had to stay
Now I'm reaching for you
Will you wait, will you wait
Will I see you again

You took it with you when you left
These scars are just a trace
Now it wonders lost and wounded
This heart that I misplaced

Where are you now
Are you lost
Will I find you again
Are you alone
Are you afraid
Are you searching for me
Why did you go I had to stay
Now I'm reaching for you
Will you wait, will you wait
Will I see you again

-Red

I sit here as this peace decays
I grasp at straws as it wastes away
I let this feeling take hold of my heart
I know I should step in the way
That I shouldn't allow this to happen
But I don't stop it
I am an observer of my own destruction
I let this get the best of me one last time
These walls are too thick to get through
I don't want to fight you anymore
I have said all the wrong things as I stumble over my words
And now there is nothing left to say
The door to my heart is now closing
This one way street is no more
I am too scared to see where this will go
To let myself hope for some changes
I won't ask my questions if you don't ask yours
Don't worry you can relax, I am not going to fight any longer
This is a dream I will let slip through my fingers