Enough is Enough

I have sat and stared at this blank screen so many times in the past couple weeks, trying to figure out what to write and what God was teaching me.
I could feel God preparing me for something but I couldn't figure out what because I couldn't see past the wall that seemed to be right in my path.
But last night he brought it all together, he released me from what had been holding me back, released me from my own condemnation.
He gave me the kind of joy I had been seeking and that fire and passion I had missed so much.
The kind of joy that as I lay on a floor laying flat on my back staring at the ceiling knowing God's presence is thick.
As he didn't convict for how I had been living but gave me the gift of freedom once again, I could sit and worship and smile and know that in that moment that is all that mattered.
He whispered in my ear to let go of the control and free myself from the responsibility.
The responsibility to change my life and fix my actions. He asked me to look to tomorrow not yesterday. There is nothing I can do about the example I have been or what I have done but what I can do to live for me.
To live for him in every minute and if I fall it is not about looking at that moment of falling but to spend the next minute in his presence and taking every moment as it comes to be in the presence of God and to be a witness to his great love. 

On a serious note

Death is not a joke, why do we laugh it off so often?
When did we become so selfish as to say "Well if I die I get to be with Jesus"?
How do we have the audacity to be so arrogant?
What about the people around us about the people we will leave and the plans that will be left unaccomplished?
And what about 10-20 years down the road? What about your future spouse or children? To be taken away from them because we decided to live in the moment and be irresponsible; to not treat the body that God gave us with the respect it deserves.
I am not scared of dying, but I am scared of watching some die.
It is heartbreaking and terrifying all in the same breath
To see but a shell of the man called Dad
To watch as his stomach bloats from malnutrition; to always fear the day when he isn't around anymore
Never knowing when he is going to be sick again when there is going to be no turning back, what parts of my life he is never going to see.
We can all laugh off illness and hardship when it is far away but what happens when you are confronted with it?
What happens when you find out your favorite aunt has cancer?
When once again it seems like you are about to lose someone else in your life.
I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid of dying.