I have such a fear of abandonment
An overwhelming, heart wrenching fear of being left in the cold
It makes it so hard for me to trust, to truly give all of me to anyone
And once I have opened up to someone I just sit and wait for the day for them to walk away
I sit gripped with the fear that I am too messed up for anyone to stick around
I am always on guard waiting to throw up my walls, defend against the heartbreak
My heart remembers all the hurt, still feels all the wounds
Even as my head lists off all the reasons to trust

But you haven't walked away

After all the shit you are still standing beside me

After all the tears you still do crazy things for me

Your friendship terrifies me as much as it amazes me

It is so much easier to list off all the reasons for the walls, then all the reasons why I am tearing them down

So I take each day as it comes. As God re-works this heart of mine.

Some days I fight his gentle hands, some days I feel the pressure that comes with healing

And somedays I sit smiling with tears streaming down my face as my God continues to mold me into something new, something beautiful. That he can use for his glory.

Captivating

“Women are beautiful, every single one of us. It is one of the glorious ways that we bear the image of God. But few of us believe we are beautiful, and fewer still are comfortable with it. We either think we don’t have any beauty or if we do, it’s dangerous and bad. So we hide our beauty behind extra weight and layers of unnecessary makeup. Or we neutralize our beauty by putting up protective, defensive walls that warn others to keep their distance.”

God why is it so hard sometimes?
So hard to see you in every situation and in every person for that matter.
I want to see the world the way you do, I want to see your beauty and your masterplan.
I want to love as you do, I want to love unconditionally.
I want to be slow to anger and abounding in love
But I'm not. I have a temper and I let it get the best of me so often
I feel a sense of right in getting angry for someone else's injustices. I feel a sense of wrong that I want to fix.
But that is not my place. You are the judge of all things and I need to put this in your hands.
I don't know how to put this into your hands. I don't even know what it is I need to put into your hands.
I can't define this hurt and this anger combined.
One small issue that can set me on fire
I want your patience God
I strive to be more like you, to walk in your footsteps
But I didn't do that today
I let my emotions run unchecked and I didn't walk in your footsteps
I was blinded by hurt and indignation
Lord, hold me close. I want to be where you are
I want to have these blinders removed and see clearly
Take away this bitterness and show me all that you have
Give me patience for your timing, because I know you have something/someone amazing waiting for me
Fill my heart with all you have for me

you beautiful princess

sweet child you are beautiful
i wrote of you as my princess and i still think of you that way
you haunt my dreams and you bring me to my knees
i miss you so. i miss your smile and your giggles
singing with you in whichever language we spoke
i was tied to this earth by you
you were an all consuming flame an overwhelming desire to love you
my sweet princess i think of you daily
i think of our games and i think of your love
i think of holding you in my arms until i felt i could no longer hold you but that didnt matter
no earthly pain or distraction could take away from our moments
of sitting in the dirt or spinning you around
sore muscles, tired eyes and inquisitive looks were nothing to me when i was with you
you were my inspiration
i help back tears when i was with you. dying to give you the world when all i had to offer you was my heart
and in the end i gave you my heart, a piece of it anyway
my heart was broken for what breaks God's heart
i ached for you and through the pain God revealed himself to me
he showed me just a small piece of what he feels for all his children
beautiful princess
as the time passes i wonder what your life has been like
have you lost your innocence? has that smile faded?
when you think of me do you see Jesus in me
was i a light? is there someone there to be a light for you now?
are you loved by someone who doesn't have to leave.
i want to be go back and be with you
i always say i didn't like your country and i didn't enjoy my time but i would do anything if it meant being with you.
if it meant being able to hold you in my arms again
i want to sing with you again
i want to see all that God taught me through you
you are an angel. you bring me light
you shine in my light as a beacon of all that God has
of all his children that need saving
i don't want to be your saviour but to just love you however i can
to come before you with whatever i have and give it all for you
i talk as if you are full of wisdom and small child you are.
in your eyes i see a light that if allowed to grow can shine




"as i smile down at you i am dying inside. dying to take you home with me and give you the world. to give you parents who love you. to sell the clothes off my back for you.
but as i think all this i stop...as God quietly whispers to me that he has so much more love and stored up treasures for his daughter then i could ever imagine.
so as i stand there holding you singing in your ear and thinking about this i realize that God has put me in your life to be a light for you. he has given me the responsibility to be a little piece of Jesus in your life.
as i realize this i shake off all my exhaustion and sing a little louder and act a little crazier and give you all the love i have in my heart.
as i carry you around singing songs in a language you don't understand i stare into your eyes and realize you have captured a little piece of my heart. know that you will always carry me around in those eyes.
you are so beautiful and even when i can't talk to you and i will never see you again, i will always carry you in my heart. as i sit here crying for you i realize just how much a little girl has taught me about love.
i would come back to this country just for you and i would give up all the sleep i want right now just for you.
you are my beautiful princess." (03/03/10)

Everyday has become a one year marker
One year since I was somewhere else doing something amazing, changing in some way
I get lost in thought and forget where I am right now
Everyday I am reminded of something else I was doing
I remember some person who impacted my life
A multitude of people I have lost contact with.
Everyday is a reminder and a motivation to keep on moving.
To enjoy everyday I have and remember the purpose behind moving forward.
I remember smiling faces and simple moments
No distractions, just love of the people
Wanting so much to change their worlds but having to be content with the little time I had
I remember sore limbs and exhausted eyes. I remember moving past everything just to see you smile.
I wonder how it has been 365 days since that time. How I have lived another year since I was with you.
You taught me to live everyday to its fullest and enjoy what I had been blessed with.
I am going to enjoy the moments I have now but know one day I will be back to see you and make you smile once more. 

I want more then I could ever say
To hold your hand, to not be scared.
I sit and wonder what could be
To not be stopped by fear and worry
This is not something I want to think about, not something I am ready to explain
Something I try to deny, to believe it isn't happening
This feels like a constant cycle, a never ending routine
Out of reach, my fingers brush what isn't mine
I close my hand around the air of what was there just a second before

Lists are a Hassle

This ever growing list becomes more visible everyday
Something I thought I was over but it comes back to haunt me
To be second best, to realize you have won yet again
Time and again you win, you get what you want
I watch from the sidelines as it is handed to you on a silver platter
I wonder why this is always the case
Why does it bother me so much?
This final issue, the one thing that wasn't even mine but somehow you were still able to capture
I can't seem to let go, to move on.