Today as I was sitting on the top of the hill having fallen for the 20Th time I just stopped
I didn't want to get up, I just wanted to lay there and be done with it.
I could see all across Calgary and see mountains and I was sore and I was tired
Somehow sitting on this hill brought me to my knees.
God decided that was the time to speak to me and humble me.
I began to see today as the way life has been. Always falling and having to get back up.
Seeing the end in sight but knowing that there is still the chance of falling
Having to stand up past all the exhaustion and pain and to keep going.
Because I could slide the rest of the way down the hill but then how would I ever learn
How would I ever fix what was wrong if I didn't get back up.
Is that anyway to live, to slide thorugh life. Knowing I won't get hurt but missing all the adventure that comes with the risk.
I asked for help and I knew it would be there for me but how would I learn to do it on my own
As much as God wants to help me up when I fall he knows to let me get up on my own sometimes no matter how much it hurts
So I sat on a ski hill being that annoying snowboarder in the middle of the run not moving for 45 min crying and leaning on the shoulder of a girl who must be as crazy as me with unending patience. She sat and listened as I talked about my struggles and let out all my hurt.
God was able to use an everyday situation to once again bring me to him. To reveal himself to me. He can use my pain of learning to snowboard as a way to hold me close. To love me.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
All the Lost Souls
How is it that someone who has been in the church for so many years can know so little about what it means to follow God.
Are we willing to let people slip through the cracks and hope that someone else will answer their questions.
Just because they don't ask the right questions or aren't as quick to understand we just roll our eyes and walk away.
I am frustrated with the fact that the simple truths are being lost. That sunday school has become more about having fun then learning about the bible.
I am frustrated by the fact that it is so easy for people to walk away from the church. That there is no one there to stop them or to ask them why or to invite them to church, to walk with them.
We let them walk away because we become so caught up in our worlds, our desires, our drama and our social lives that we don't put any effort into other peoples lives
We let people on the fringe stay on the fringe and we don't bother to look outside our bubbles of friends
We are so busy looking outside the church for all the lost souls that we forget to look within the church for all the wandering people that need our help.
My heartbreaks as I watch my friends walk away and become another statistic
My heartbreaks as I talk to all the people who leave the church because they have been hurt by the church, felt judged, felt ignored. When did church become a place where people could get hurt and abandonded.
Why have we let church become a social ground. We are more concerned with our plans after the service and the people we might see that we forget about the actual reason for going to God's house, to this place of worship
We forget to pay attention to God because we are too busy paying attention to who is sitting next to us.
Are we willing to let people slip through the cracks and hope that someone else will answer their questions.
Just because they don't ask the right questions or aren't as quick to understand we just roll our eyes and walk away.
I am frustrated with the fact that the simple truths are being lost. That sunday school has become more about having fun then learning about the bible.
I am frustrated by the fact that it is so easy for people to walk away from the church. That there is no one there to stop them or to ask them why or to invite them to church, to walk with them.
We let them walk away because we become so caught up in our worlds, our desires, our drama and our social lives that we don't put any effort into other peoples lives
We let people on the fringe stay on the fringe and we don't bother to look outside our bubbles of friends
We are so busy looking outside the church for all the lost souls that we forget to look within the church for all the wandering people that need our help.
My heartbreaks as I watch my friends walk away and become another statistic
My heartbreaks as I talk to all the people who leave the church because they have been hurt by the church, felt judged, felt ignored. When did church become a place where people could get hurt and abandonded.
Why have we let church become a social ground. We are more concerned with our plans after the service and the people we might see that we forget about the actual reason for going to God's house, to this place of worship
We forget to pay attention to God because we are too busy paying attention to who is sitting next to us.
Monday, November 29, 2010
So there is this guy and I am kind of falling in love with him
I have known him my whole life and he is amazing
I mean he would die for me
He already has died for me
That kind of love is just crazy
But to be honest I tend to ignore him
I always look for love somewhere else
I guess because he has asked me to give my life to him
And that kind of scares me
He has loved me so much and it kind of scares me
I mean this guy is amazing and he has asked me to love him over everyone else
But I haven't been doing that alot lately.
I have been looking for love in all the wrong places.
So I have decided that he is going to be my number one priority
I am done looking around for love. I am going to wait on his timing, wait for his plan.
He is going to be the love of my life
I am so excited to fall in love
I have known him my whole life and he is amazing
I mean he would die for me
He already has died for me
That kind of love is just crazy
But to be honest I tend to ignore him
I always look for love somewhere else
I guess because he has asked me to give my life to him
And that kind of scares me
He has loved me so much and it kind of scares me
I mean this guy is amazing and he has asked me to love him over everyone else
But I haven't been doing that alot lately.
I have been looking for love in all the wrong places.
So I have decided that he is going to be my number one priority
I am done looking around for love. I am going to wait on his timing, wait for his plan.
He is going to be the love of my life
I am so excited to fall in love
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Hello Old Friend
Today we met again, we sat and I just stared at you.
I held you in my hand and realized all you had to offer me.
All the freedom you could bring, the comfort of familiarity.
You would have helped me find release.
In all honesty, I missed you.
You remind me of a time that felt safer, when I was in control
When I knew where the boundaries were because I had created them
When I could breath knowing that my emotions were in check and my walls were standing strong.
But old friend, I didn't fall prey to those desires
I set you on top of my bible and looked at both my options.
I saw the easy way and the hard way and it was up to me to chose.
I could chose you or God.
I had the choice between control and love
Between release and grace
I sat and realized all you had to offer was a lie.
All that control was never mine. I had been manipulated time and again.
I think about walls I had and I also have to remember the distance from those around me
So old friend, I put you away. I made the decision to take the harder route, but the one with love.
The route with the light at the end of the tunnel
So, goodbye old friend, I hope to never meet again
I held you in my hand and realized all you had to offer me.
All the freedom you could bring, the comfort of familiarity.
You would have helped me find release.
In all honesty, I missed you.
You remind me of a time that felt safer, when I was in control
When I knew where the boundaries were because I had created them
When I could breath knowing that my emotions were in check and my walls were standing strong.
But old friend, I didn't fall prey to those desires
I set you on top of my bible and looked at both my options.
I saw the easy way and the hard way and it was up to me to chose.
I could chose you or God.
I had the choice between control and love
Between release and grace
I sat and realized all you had to offer was a lie.
All that control was never mine. I had been manipulated time and again.
I think about walls I had and I also have to remember the distance from those around me
So old friend, I put you away. I made the decision to take the harder route, but the one with love.
The route with the light at the end of the tunnel
So, goodbye old friend, I hope to never meet again
Snow that blows across the road is a reminder of how clouded my mind can become.
All for a laugh I am willing to ignore what you were trying to say.
All as a joke I didn't honour you in my words
I don't know why I do this time and time again
Why I let everything else come before you
I fear what other people will think, yet never wonder what you will think of me.
I let the desire to have a good time mask what is really important
I succumb to the distractions so subtly placed. I don't pay attention until it is too late
I let the moment sweep me away and I become lost in what is going on around me.
I now have to deal with the weight of this conviction, of your disappointment.
Of knowing that I had the chance to speak up, to be a light in the situation and I chose not to.
It wasn't even worth it. Not even in the slightest.
As the wind sweeps distraction across the road.
As this house shakes with all you have to say to me
I don't even know how to apologize anymore, I don't know why you keep on trying.
I don't understand this patience you have for me, this willingness to show me how wrong I am but still love me.
All for a laugh I am willing to ignore what you were trying to say.
All as a joke I didn't honour you in my words
I don't know why I do this time and time again
Why I let everything else come before you
I fear what other people will think, yet never wonder what you will think of me.
I let the desire to have a good time mask what is really important
I succumb to the distractions so subtly placed. I don't pay attention until it is too late
I let the moment sweep me away and I become lost in what is going on around me.
I now have to deal with the weight of this conviction, of your disappointment.
Of knowing that I had the chance to speak up, to be a light in the situation and I chose not to.
It wasn't even worth it. Not even in the slightest.
As the wind sweeps distraction across the road.
As this house shakes with all you have to say to me
I don't even know how to apologize anymore, I don't know why you keep on trying.
I don't understand this patience you have for me, this willingness to show me how wrong I am but still love me.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
You have been written on my heart
There is a list engraved on my heart
A list that feels like it will never stop growing
A list with names from all over the world
Of people I have loved, grown, learned, cried and laughed with
An ache in my heart for people that I just want to be with
A haunting ache for all the people that I have had to let go of
People that I want to talk to for just a minute
That distance wouldn't hinder us
I don't want to imagine how much longer this list will grow
When I move on again, when my time in this home is gone
When God asks me to move on, to follow him
I let you all into my heart far too quickly
It scares me when I think of adding your name to the list
Missing you the way I miss everyone else
You would be one more person on the list of people I have to leave
This place would become another city with people that I love
I feel fear for a time that is years away
Some days I feel like burying my head in the sand, trying to forget about the people that I miss
If I just stayed in one place, if I didn't leave then I wouldn't have this fear
But what happens when God asks me to move on, to follow him?
Your names have been written on my heart, you have left your mark
Sweden
England
Germany
Switzerland
India
Colombia
Chile
Uruguay
Brazil
Peru
Ecuador
USA
Ontario
Calgary
...
A list that feels like it will never stop growing
A list with names from all over the world
Of people I have loved, grown, learned, cried and laughed with
An ache in my heart for people that I just want to be with
A haunting ache for all the people that I have had to let go of
People that I want to talk to for just a minute
That distance wouldn't hinder us
I don't want to imagine how much longer this list will grow
When I move on again, when my time in this home is gone
When God asks me to move on, to follow him
I let you all into my heart far too quickly
It scares me when I think of adding your name to the list
Missing you the way I miss everyone else
You would be one more person on the list of people I have to leave
This place would become another city with people that I love
I feel fear for a time that is years away
Some days I feel like burying my head in the sand, trying to forget about the people that I miss
If I just stayed in one place, if I didn't leave then I wouldn't have this fear
But what happens when God asks me to move on, to follow him?
Your names have been written on my heart, you have left your mark
Sweden
England
Germany
Switzerland
India
Colombia
Chile
Uruguay
Brazil
Peru
Ecuador
USA
Ontario
Calgary
...
Friday, November 19, 2010
I have become so frustrated by our society, our nation.
My eyes are being opened to so many things within our country that need to be changed.
We sit as a nation judging the rest of the world and their messed up systems and histories and we choose to ignore our past.
We look at the South African Apartheid and wonder how that could happen. We look at them and say we would never be so awful yet that Apartheid was designed after our reservation system. We are living what we condemn in others.
We talk of genocide everywhere else in the world but what about the 50,000 children that died in residential schools due to mal nutrition. How do children starve to death in a school run by the state? Run by a first world nation. These schools that were filled with racism and hatred, that only closed in the 90s. We sit back and judge the first nations because they are so dysfunctional but how would you be if you had never lived with your family. Would you know how to raise a child if you were never raised as one?
Where is their justice? Where is there voice against the atrocities done? Why was there no one standing up for those children who didn’t have the ability to voice their pain? We sit here and say look at us we’re multicultural, we tolerate everyone.
We become so accustomed to look at the whole world and see their problems and save them; that we forget about the people who need saving here. The people living on all that is left of their culture, all that is left of their home. Being forced into reservations so we can have our big backyards and large cities.
I’m not trying to be condemning but be thought provoking. I know the statement I am making could offend, that it doesnt apply to everyone, but I am tired of everyone making assumptions based on the whisperings of others. I used to sit and make generalizations about what I thought I knew without really looking into the information. It is upsetting that Canada which has such a reputation for acceptance can be so discriminatory. That as a nation we will accept anyone from a different country but the people who were here before us, who took us in when we needed help in this land, who taught us more than we realize, we chose to ignore, to make assumptions about the way they live.
My eyes are being opened to so many things within our country that need to be changed.
We sit as a nation judging the rest of the world and their messed up systems and histories and we choose to ignore our past.
We look at the South African Apartheid and wonder how that could happen. We look at them and say we would never be so awful yet that Apartheid was designed after our reservation system. We are living what we condemn in others.
We talk of genocide everywhere else in the world but what about the 50,000 children that died in residential schools due to mal nutrition. How do children starve to death in a school run by the state? Run by a first world nation. These schools that were filled with racism and hatred, that only closed in the 90s. We sit back and judge the first nations because they are so dysfunctional but how would you be if you had never lived with your family. Would you know how to raise a child if you were never raised as one?
Where is their justice? Where is there voice against the atrocities done? Why was there no one standing up for those children who didn’t have the ability to voice their pain? We sit here and say look at us we’re multicultural, we tolerate everyone.
We become so accustomed to look at the whole world and see their problems and save them; that we forget about the people who need saving here. The people living on all that is left of their culture, all that is left of their home. Being forced into reservations so we can have our big backyards and large cities.
I’m not trying to be condemning but be thought provoking. I know the statement I am making could offend, that it doesnt apply to everyone, but I am tired of everyone making assumptions based on the whisperings of others. I used to sit and make generalizations about what I thought I knew without really looking into the information. It is upsetting that Canada which has such a reputation for acceptance can be so discriminatory. That as a nation we will accept anyone from a different country but the people who were here before us, who took us in when we needed help in this land, who taught us more than we realize, we chose to ignore, to make assumptions about the way they live.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
My heart cries out for a place so far away, for a time that slowly fades away
I ache with longing to be where you are
As moments flash by I am reminded of an unquenchable passion, an unstoppable love
All that's left to be said is that I miss you
Yo quiero enamorarme más de Ti,
enséñame a amarte y a vivir conforme a tu justicia y tu verdad,
con mi vida quiero adorar,
con todo lo que tengo y lo que soy,
todo lo que he sido te lo doy
I ache with longing to be where you are
As moments flash by I am reminded of an unquenchable passion, an unstoppable love
All that's left to be said is that I miss you
Yo quiero enamorarme más de Ti,
enséñame a amarte y a vivir conforme a tu justicia y tu verdad,
con mi vida quiero adorar,
con todo lo que tengo y lo que soy,
todo lo que he sido te lo doy
Monday, November 15, 2010
This is my Proclamation
Saturday would have been 2 years.
2 years of resisting temptation, of not falling prey to the lies
But instead I was overwhelmed, I collapsed under the pressure of the darkness
But something was different this time around. I opened up. I didn't deal with the guilt alone. I found out that there were people around me that I could talk to without condemnation.
My prayer of having people in my life who will stand with me has been answered.
6 years since I first cried out and my prayer has been answered
God has given me people I can be honest with, that I can lean and be leaned on
Throughout the years of heartbreak and darkness I always felt so alone
Until the day when I went on a drive in the fog and found someone who would listen
Until I was lying on the floor shaking uncontrollably, unable to stand on my own anymore and there was someone there for me
I held out always searching for that person that would hold my hand and I thought I had found them only to find God put the people I least expected into my life.
This small city which I held in contempt for keeping me away from my dreams has proved to be the place of healing.
God works in the most unexpected places.
Time and time again he tells me to wait on him and his plans and I always think I know better and he always shows me different
I sit there shaking my head at the people in the bible who fall time and time again even after God has done incredible miracles in their lives.
And then I look back at my life and all that has happened and the cycle that is sin and redemption.
And I can't believe that even after all God has done in my life I was still able to question God's plan for my life.
That I still had the audacity to ask him what he was doing and why.
I'm not that different from the Israelites.
I can't wait for the day when I can bow down at the feet of God and weep with Joy knowing that he was willing to accept me into his home and wipe me clean of all I have done and all I have said against him.
I can't comprehend that kind of forgiveness and all I can do is embrace it.
I don't have the right to bring up the past that God has forgiven me of. To re hash everything that he has set me free of. I can use my testimony to help others but I am done feeling guilty about things that are in the past.
My list of sins will be erased. I am not going to be held hostage by a past that I can not change. I am not going to be held hostage by the shame of my past. I am going to shout from the rooftops all that God has saved me from.
I am done skirting around the issues of my depression, my relationships, my impurities, my self harm.
I am not going to be controlled by the devil's hand anymore.
I am proclaiming FREEDOM in this place tonight.
Whoever cares to judge me will not be my concern. I need to worry about the people who love me, not the ones who are going to bind me to my scars.
I am done being scared of what others think of me.
I am terrified to post this and all I have written but fear will not control my life.
I am done asking questions and struggling with the answers.
I am not going to question my creator any longer.
2 years of resisting temptation, of not falling prey to the lies
But instead I was overwhelmed, I collapsed under the pressure of the darkness
But something was different this time around. I opened up. I didn't deal with the guilt alone. I found out that there were people around me that I could talk to without condemnation.
My prayer of having people in my life who will stand with me has been answered.
6 years since I first cried out and my prayer has been answered
God has given me people I can be honest with, that I can lean and be leaned on
Throughout the years of heartbreak and darkness I always felt so alone
Until the day when I went on a drive in the fog and found someone who would listen
Until I was lying on the floor shaking uncontrollably, unable to stand on my own anymore and there was someone there for me
I held out always searching for that person that would hold my hand and I thought I had found them only to find God put the people I least expected into my life.
This small city which I held in contempt for keeping me away from my dreams has proved to be the place of healing.
God works in the most unexpected places.
Time and time again he tells me to wait on him and his plans and I always think I know better and he always shows me different
I sit there shaking my head at the people in the bible who fall time and time again even after God has done incredible miracles in their lives.
And then I look back at my life and all that has happened and the cycle that is sin and redemption.
And I can't believe that even after all God has done in my life I was still able to question God's plan for my life.
That I still had the audacity to ask him what he was doing and why.
I'm not that different from the Israelites.
I can't wait for the day when I can bow down at the feet of God and weep with Joy knowing that he was willing to accept me into his home and wipe me clean of all I have done and all I have said against him.
I can't comprehend that kind of forgiveness and all I can do is embrace it.
I don't have the right to bring up the past that God has forgiven me of. To re hash everything that he has set me free of. I can use my testimony to help others but I am done feeling guilty about things that are in the past.
My list of sins will be erased. I am not going to be held hostage by a past that I can not change. I am not going to be held hostage by the shame of my past. I am going to shout from the rooftops all that God has saved me from.
I am done skirting around the issues of my depression, my relationships, my impurities, my self harm.
I am not going to be controlled by the devil's hand anymore.
I am proclaiming FREEDOM in this place tonight.
Whoever cares to judge me will not be my concern. I need to worry about the people who love me, not the ones who are going to bind me to my scars.
I am done being scared of what others think of me.
I am terrified to post this and all I have written but fear will not control my life.
I am done asking questions and struggling with the answers.
I am not going to question my creator any longer.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
as we place verses on the walls I feel your covering all around us
as the darkness is pushed aside by the overpowering light
I love to see the house come to life
constant reminders of you everyday
there is no way to forget all the promises and love you have for us
Thursday, November 11, 2010
I want to be where you are but where is the door?
I search and search but I can't find the way in
What am I missing, what do I need?
I am looking and searching but this door is not in sight. What knowledge do I need, what key am I missing?
As I walk around and my feet grow weary and my eyes grow tired, I wonder how worth it really is
I stick my hand through my window and catch a feel of what it's like
I begin to be pulled in by the activities within when the wind picks up and slams my little window closed
I am reminded of all I lack and all I don't know
The list of things that I don't have
As I slide down to the ground and stare out into the darkness around this little house I wonder what else is out there.
If I looked would there be something better, somewhere with a door that I can open
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
It is such a sad statement when I miss facebook after not going on it for 2 days
I never realized how much dependance I had formed on a website
How much of my life circled around a URL
I made the decision to not go on facebook for week. To take all the time I was normally spending on facebook and spend time with God.
To stop using facebook as a distraction and take all the time to re connect with God.
And it has been good. I have been getting back on the right page. Getting back to the basics with God. Seeing him come back into my life and walk with him hand in hand.
God has been speaking so much into my life, giving me the chance to get my thoughts down on paper, really think through all the craziness that is my life.
I love being with God in the morning. To be able to start my day off with him and not someone else's status updates
Instead I get updates from God and I get to be filled with him instead of the frivolous thoughts of others
I love God for doing this but it is hard. Hard to not feel connected. Being able to voice my thoughts to the world around me. I loved facebook for keeping me connected to the people near and far.
This is something I need to do to get re connected. I need to let go of my need to always be connected, always be in control.
I need to let go of the need to be filled with the love of others and be filled with the love of God.
I never realized how much dependance I had formed on a website
How much of my life circled around a URL
I made the decision to not go on facebook for week. To take all the time I was normally spending on facebook and spend time with God.
To stop using facebook as a distraction and take all the time to re connect with God.
And it has been good. I have been getting back on the right page. Getting back to the basics with God. Seeing him come back into my life and walk with him hand in hand.
God has been speaking so much into my life, giving me the chance to get my thoughts down on paper, really think through all the craziness that is my life.
I love being with God in the morning. To be able to start my day off with him and not someone else's status updates
Instead I get updates from God and I get to be filled with him instead of the frivolous thoughts of others
I love God for doing this but it is hard. Hard to not feel connected. Being able to voice my thoughts to the world around me. I loved facebook for keeping me connected to the people near and far.
This is something I need to do to get re connected. I need to let go of my need to always be connected, always be in control.
I need to let go of the need to be filled with the love of others and be filled with the love of God.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
that i had taken the time to really settle down somewhere
i have always said that i don't mind constantly going from place to place but as i look back i can't find where home is
i want to say i miss home but where is that located
i have no place that i can say is the place where i grew up, where i have childhood memories
no church that i have gone to my whole life, no friend that i have grown up with
i know that this earth is only temporary and that heaven is my home
i look back and see the mark i have made, but how long will it last
sometimes i just sit and wonder what it would be like to have that place so full of memories, so full of life
instead i carry my memories with me always. in pictures and songs and words
i carry my home in my heart knowing that when i finally do go up to heaven my house will be waiting for me
with my God standing there ready to welcome me to the only place that he ever intended me to call home.
Monday, November 8, 2010
and freedom
Freedom is a complicated word
How does one become truly free of their past?
How do you truly let go of all that has been done to you and all that you have done?
Freedom, so often talked about and yet so unattainable.
Always told to just let go and be free knowing God is with you.
What does letting go mean?
It's so easy to say the words and mean them but how do you live them?
To feel peace in a moment and then feel it slip away.
These unattainable hopes
Dreams begin to lose there colour as moments slip past
God is in everything and his plans are grand. But following blindly has never been my forte
There is a time for everything. I guess this is a time of reflection as opposed to a time of Joy.
Patience is a virtue I have yet to attain.
Vulnerability comes and goes as it pleases
I'm not wallowing in pity but trying to reflect. I want these blinders off that have clouded my vision.
The past that has caused my outlook to be jaded. No matter how hard I try this bitterness seems to always remain. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop
I'm not making excuses and I'm not looking for sympathy.
I need to take a step back from this technology laden world and get back to the basics
Let God be the true priority. Let the relationships that are right in front of me be the ones I try to grow in.
Allow myself to believe all that I have been doubting
To go back to the words written so long ago and find the truth within them that set me free.
Words full of love, passion, grace, mercy, forgiveness...
How does one become truly free of their past?
How do you truly let go of all that has been done to you and all that you have done?
Freedom, so often talked about and yet so unattainable.
Always told to just let go and be free knowing God is with you.
What does letting go mean?
It's so easy to say the words and mean them but how do you live them?
To feel peace in a moment and then feel it slip away.
These unattainable hopes
Dreams begin to lose there colour as moments slip past
God is in everything and his plans are grand. But following blindly has never been my forte
There is a time for everything. I guess this is a time of reflection as opposed to a time of Joy.
Patience is a virtue I have yet to attain.
Vulnerability comes and goes as it pleases
I'm not wallowing in pity but trying to reflect. I want these blinders off that have clouded my vision.
The past that has caused my outlook to be jaded. No matter how hard I try this bitterness seems to always remain. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop
I'm not making excuses and I'm not looking for sympathy.
I need to take a step back from this technology laden world and get back to the basics
Let God be the true priority. Let the relationships that are right in front of me be the ones I try to grow in.
Allow myself to believe all that I have been doubting
To go back to the words written so long ago and find the truth within them that set me free.
Words full of love, passion, grace, mercy, forgiveness...
one small smile and the mask is in place
one look and i retreat behind my walls.
old habits die hard, don't they.
still so scared of getting hurt. trust is hard to give out
always waiting for the other shoe to drop
cryptic words so no one really knows who i am
always willing to help but never helped
never wanting to show weakness, never willing to let go and fall
and see where that takes me
instead i hold back, keep myself in check
(October 27)
one look and i retreat behind my walls.
old habits die hard, don't they.
still so scared of getting hurt. trust is hard to give out
always waiting for the other shoe to drop
cryptic words so no one really knows who i am
always willing to help but never helped
never wanting to show weakness, never willing to let go and fall
and see where that takes me
instead i hold back, keep myself in check
(October 27)
Thursday, November 4, 2010
God has quite the sense of Humour
The LORD said "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by."
Then a great and powerful wind tore the moutains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 1 Kings 19:11-12
Emotions can be so fickle.
Happiness and Sadness are so superficial.
Love and Hate come and go and I want to live in your truth
I don't want happiness but your Joy. The foundation of your truth that will always be my place to fall
You brought me to my knees and showed me your grace
I love the way you reveal yourself to me.
All I had to do was stop trying to fight by myself and hold out my hand for you
Once I stopped and listened you were there waiting for me
You picked me up and held me close
You brought me out of the darkness and into your light
I feel you in the wind that surrounds me everyday.
I had forgetten all you had spoken into my life about speaking to me quietly.
And now I live in a place of constant wind.
I love the way you teach me even when it hurts.
Hindsight can be so revealing.
Then a great and powerful wind tore the moutains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 1 Kings 19:11-12
Emotions can be so fickle.
Happiness and Sadness are so superficial.
Love and Hate come and go and I want to live in your truth
I don't want happiness but your Joy. The foundation of your truth that will always be my place to fall
You brought me to my knees and showed me your grace
I love the way you reveal yourself to me.
All I had to do was stop trying to fight by myself and hold out my hand for you
Once I stopped and listened you were there waiting for me
You picked me up and held me close
You brought me out of the darkness and into your light
I feel you in the wind that surrounds me everyday.
I had forgetten all you had spoken into my life about speaking to me quietly.
And now I live in a place of constant wind.
I love the way you teach me even when it hurts.
Hindsight can be so revealing.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
So there is this girl in my life and she is pretty cool. She likes it when I blog so I figured I would make a blog all about her.
I only met her in september but we have really grown close, I guess it helps when you live in an apartment together. She can be a little crazy but I love that about her because well I am a lot crazy.
She balances me out and knows how to calm me down. She feels joy unlimited and doesn't hold back for anyone.
She has a passion for people and she doesn't try and hide it. I love getting to see her grow and learn more about God. She encourages me in my walk with God and lets me talk out my problems even when it makes no sense.
She is pretty awesome and we have had some crazy memories. I can't wait for the many more adventures we are going to have in this crazy city that is Lethbridge.
I only met her in september but we have really grown close, I guess it helps when you live in an apartment together. She can be a little crazy but I love that about her because well I am a lot crazy.
She balances me out and knows how to calm me down. She feels joy unlimited and doesn't hold back for anyone.
She has a passion for people and she doesn't try and hide it. I love getting to see her grow and learn more about God. She encourages me in my walk with God and lets me talk out my problems even when it makes no sense.
She is pretty awesome and we have had some crazy memories. I can't wait for the many more adventures we are going to have in this crazy city that is Lethbridge.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
shrouded in darkness, waiting for light
sometimes all i can do is sit around and wait for the light at the end of the darkness
just stand there blind waiting to move on
not moving forward but not stumbling around trying to find my own way
i need to reach out my hand and know that God is going to pull me close if i let him
i have to make the first move
i need to jump knowing that God is going to give me a firm place to land or wings to fly
i have to let go of the control i hold onto so tightly
to remember that you have plans for me and a future without harm
time and time again you test me hoping i will be reminded of all that you have for me
you are going to let me go to see if i can fly, but you'll always be watching.
i know all this but it doesn't always seem to really set in
i see you trying to speak to me and i know i can be closed to you, but don't stop pushing, don't give up on me
God, i know you are testing me and i know this is all a part of your plan and now i am just waiting.
shivering in the darkness knowing you are right beside me
and even when i can't feel you there i know you will never leave me.
you sit beside me smiling when i am willing to wait with you.
i will try not to wander off again. i will try to trust you in this time of trial. i will love you with all that i am knowing that i can't fathom all the love you have for me
just stand there blind waiting to move on
not moving forward but not stumbling around trying to find my own way
i need to reach out my hand and know that God is going to pull me close if i let him
i have to make the first move
i need to jump knowing that God is going to give me a firm place to land or wings to fly
i have to let go of the control i hold onto so tightly
to remember that you have plans for me and a future without harm
time and time again you test me hoping i will be reminded of all that you have for me
you are going to let me go to see if i can fly, but you'll always be watching.
i know all this but it doesn't always seem to really set in
i see you trying to speak to me and i know i can be closed to you, but don't stop pushing, don't give up on me
God, i know you are testing me and i know this is all a part of your plan and now i am just waiting.
shivering in the darkness knowing you are right beside me
and even when i can't feel you there i know you will never leave me.
you sit beside me smiling when i am willing to wait with you.
i will try not to wander off again. i will try to trust you in this time of trial. i will love you with all that i am knowing that i can't fathom all the love you have for me
Friday, October 29, 2010
authenticity, what does that even mean?
you say I'm open to God's plan but you have no idea how closed i have become
i feel a wall go up around my heart
i feel myself slowly withdraw into myself
i hold up arms in defence, my natural instinct
you've seen my strength and now you'll see my weakness
you'll never know when i am weak because i won't let you see
as my smile slowly strains across my face, the subtle difference between genuine and false, something you will never notice
i know i should hold on but i just want to let go
to just fall apart.
you say I'm open to God's plan but you have no idea how closed i have become
i feel a wall go up around my heart
i feel myself slowly withdraw into myself
i hold up arms in defence, my natural instinct
you've seen my strength and now you'll see my weakness
you'll never know when i am weak because i won't let you see
as my smile slowly strains across my face, the subtle difference between genuine and false, something you will never notice
i know i should hold on but i just want to let go
to just fall apart.
Monday, October 25, 2010
glistening green eyes
you walk into church, mask firmly in place. ready to take on the hoards with that faltering smile.
acting gets harder as each day passes. but if you let your mask slip people may actually see who you are and how broken you are.
you wonder what life would be like if there was someone to walk with. someone to hold you as you collapse from all the weight and the burden of this secret. a secret that you have carried for far too long.
i wish i could hold your hand and tell you it is all going to be okay. someone is going to come soon enough. just hold on. i wish you would take your mask off. i see the beauty in those eyes. your pain gives you so much strength. i know you don't see it right now but God has an incredible plan for your life. he is going to take the broken jar that you are and turn you into a masterpiece.
there is no need to be scared. there are people like you. you don't need to walk this alone, even though i know you will. you've been alone for so long, walking this rocky path, with no sign of the light at the end.
you see the judgement in their eyes and you know that your mask will never fully come off for them. they don't want to see damage. they prefer the pretty little packages and lies. but it's okay, there are people out there that are going to heal you, that are going to love you like Jesus does.
so as you pull down your long sleeve shirt and hide that note, just hold on for one more day. don't let go. you are so young, and so beautiful.
i see the way you silently cry out with no response. all i ask is that you find one reason to remain here with me. don't lose hope.
someone will stay by your side through all the hurt, they aren't going to walk away. don't lose faith in God because of the church. we are all broken and just trying to hide it, just like you are.
as you begin to crumble from the inside out just know that one day you are going to feel love unimaginable and joy that is unspeakable.
just put your hope in the fact that tomorrow may be different. scars fade and memories blur. pain will become muted. your mask will be pulled off and the world will see what you look like when you actually smile.
acting gets harder as each day passes. but if you let your mask slip people may actually see who you are and how broken you are.
you wonder what life would be like if there was someone to walk with. someone to hold you as you collapse from all the weight and the burden of this secret. a secret that you have carried for far too long.
i wish i could hold your hand and tell you it is all going to be okay. someone is going to come soon enough. just hold on. i wish you would take your mask off. i see the beauty in those eyes. your pain gives you so much strength. i know you don't see it right now but God has an incredible plan for your life. he is going to take the broken jar that you are and turn you into a masterpiece.
there is no need to be scared. there are people like you. you don't need to walk this alone, even though i know you will. you've been alone for so long, walking this rocky path, with no sign of the light at the end.
you see the judgement in their eyes and you know that your mask will never fully come off for them. they don't want to see damage. they prefer the pretty little packages and lies. but it's okay, there are people out there that are going to heal you, that are going to love you like Jesus does.
so as you pull down your long sleeve shirt and hide that note, just hold on for one more day. don't let go. you are so young, and so beautiful.
i see the way you silently cry out with no response. all i ask is that you find one reason to remain here with me. don't lose hope.
someone will stay by your side through all the hurt, they aren't going to walk away. don't lose faith in God because of the church. we are all broken and just trying to hide it, just like you are.
as you begin to crumble from the inside out just know that one day you are going to feel love unimaginable and joy that is unspeakable.
just put your hope in the fact that tomorrow may be different. scars fade and memories blur. pain will become muted. your mask will be pulled off and the world will see what you look like when you actually smile.
so much left unsaid, and so much that can't be expressed. language isn't the only thing that makes it impossible to talk to you. you are demeaning and manipulative. you think you can get what you want because that is what life has always been. you walk away at the first sign of trouble. you blame the world for your unhappiness and never seem to look at yourself. you take your past and where as a badge giving you the right to walk around wounded and angry. you're not the first to have a hard life and you certainly wont be last. get that chip off your shoulder and learn to look around. you walk around talking of God and all he can do but i never see you living it out. you question authority and you don't know how to respect those around you. you are infuriating. i cant believe i let you get the best of me once again. i think you are a scared little boy too afraid to look in the mirror and see what you have become. when you decide to wake up and actually let God work in you, let me know. i bet God can do crazy things in your life and it would be cool to see them happen. but for right now, just keep bouncing around from place to place and see where you end up in the end. i'm not that angry at you, just sad that this is where you have ended up. you have been given unlimited chances by God to walk with him but you are only willing to walk with God according to your terms. there is nothing left say but good luck...
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
All the Small Things
the smell of the earth after it rains
rainbows
beautiful, warm fall days
walking on the beach at sunrise
watching the ocean
looking into fires
silence
running outside in a torential downpour
the way trees look during the winter
the stillness that comes when the snow has fallen
taking a breath and feeling the chill that makes you feel alive
a good long talk with a friend
when everything goes according to plan
driving alone with the windows down
sitting outside reading
sitting in an airport
laughing until it hurts
finding that perfect song to go with your mood
that perfect sweater
sand between my toes
dancing
long sunsets
early sunrises
that moment right before you fall asleep when all is good in the world
that perfect hug
loving even when it hurts
seeing God's plan in everything
looking at the view from the top of a mountain
camp
rainbows
beautiful, warm fall days
walking on the beach at sunrise
watching the ocean
looking into fires
silence
running outside in a torential downpour
the way trees look during the winter
the stillness that comes when the snow has fallen
taking a breath and feeling the chill that makes you feel alive
a good long talk with a friend
when everything goes according to plan
driving alone with the windows down
sitting outside reading
sitting in an airport
laughing until it hurts
finding that perfect song to go with your mood
that perfect sweater
sand between my toes
dancing
long sunsets
early sunrises
that moment right before you fall asleep when all is good in the world
that perfect hug
loving even when it hurts
seeing God's plan in everything
looking at the view from the top of a mountain
camp
Sunday, October 17, 2010
All that's left are memories
It's time to let go. Let you go and let this hurt go. I can't let what is said affect what I do. I let words control me for far too long and I am past that. It is okay to say that I am hurt but that is all. You are a part of my past now, and I don't see you anywhere in my future. But I need to say thank you. Your words broke me down and helped to humble me before my loving father right when I needed it most. You helped me realign my priorites. So I thank you for the friend you were and the laughs we had. I will always remember you, it's impossible not to after all the memories we had. I will try to remember all the good times and forget all the bad. I love you.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
One Last Time
I fell for you and had to walk away. You were everything I ever wanted but you just weren't meant for me. I see you from afar and wish I could be with you. I wish our paths lined up but we go such seperate ways. I want to know you better, I want to walk this life with you. But you are not the one to walk beside me and I need to let you go. I need to walk into the future and stop looking back hoping to see one last glimpse of you as you wave good bye. I see us both live the lives planned out for us and I feel so bittersweet. Just know that as much as I deny it to everyone around me you meant the world to me and I will never be able to explain what I felt towards but it doesn't even matter if my head never understands because my heart cried out for you. So as I move down this winding path and slowly turn around this bend I am letting you go and turning this corner knowing you will always be there but knowing that you will never be mine.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Inspiration is hard to come by
Even when my mind is full of thoughts they just don't always go well on paper. As I talk to people living their dream I am so happy for them, but as happy as I am there is this part of me that just wants to sit down and have a good cry. I feel my heart at war as I feel joy for them, but I feel envy rear its ugly head as I wish I could be living my dream. It's a yearning deep in my soul to be helping others, to be with those kids that I see everynight in my dreams. I crave to hold them in my arms and be in the place of my dreams. To feel the peace that nothing else can bring me. To feel joy I haven't felt in months. As much as I love where I am now and feel the peace of being in the right place, I know that I will never feel the rightness that I feel when I am loving kids and being a light in their lives. I miss that deep joy but I know that I need patience to get to the end of this road. It may take years to really learn this patience, but I know God is infinitely more patient that I can ever be.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
He is the Love of my life
thin white lines are a reminder of a past I will always carry with me, of a time that may have been years ago but still sits at the surface; a constant reminder of who I was. A reminder of who I could become again. I sit and look at thin white lines that fade as each day passes and think about all I have been through, all the strength I have. So often I look at the negative and forget to see the positive; the fact that when I was at my lowest, covered in my own sin my God came down and picked me up. He taught me how to live, love and laugh again. He showed me what grace is and that it is all I ever need. I always wonder why we always need to see the negative in a situation and not see all the amazing things that can come out of it. Instead of looking at all the sin I used to be covered in why not look at all the joy I'm surrounded with now. There comes a time when I need to get rid of the shame I feel over my past and instead look at all the people around me that I can help with my story. Instead of looking at all the hurt that came from those scars, look at love written on my arm for all to see. It's time for me to get over my fear of what everyone else is going to think of me, of what the church might say but be sure of all that God has spoken into my life. The only judgement that I need to worry about is his.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Just Look Around
Ever have those days when all you want to do is reminisce? Just get lost in past memories and forget all about everything going on around you? That’s all that I ever seem to be doing lately, I have gotten so stuck in the past that I have forgotten to look around me now. I am missing out on everyday because I think that the past is more exciting and to be honest it was. Sometimes I will spend 2 hours just looking at pictures of a time that I know I can't go back to but I want to so badly. I choose not to look at all the awesome things around me right now because I don't want to believe that anything can be as good as that time in my life. But, that isn't what God has for me. He wants me to enjoy the time I am in now. He didn't set me here to just mope around hoping the next 5 years will go as quickly as possible. I am supposed to be his light wherever I am. He is relying on me to show his light to those who haven't seen it. I don't have the right to sit around being depressed about where I am not but look at the adventures all around me, in the everyday. He has great things for me but I have to be willing to look. I am supposed to find joy in those around me, not people live thousands of miles away. I don’t have the right to be jealous of those that are continuing their adventures but be happy that, that is where God has called them for this period in their life. I need to wipe off the self pity and just look around.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
you beautiful princess
This is something I wrote after having worked in the slums of India. It broke my heart to see these little girls living in such desperate conditions. I wanted to take them home with me. Sometimes it takes something big to bring around enough emotion to really produce some great writing.
as i smile down at you i am dying inside. dying to take you home with me and give you the world. to give you parents who love you. to sell the clothes off my back for you.
but as i think all this i stop...as God quietly whispers to me that he has so much more love and stored up treasures for his daughter then i could ever imagine.
so as i stand there holding you singing in your ear and thinking about this i realize that God has put me in your life to be a light for you. he has given me the responsibility to be a little piece of Jesus in your life.
as i realize this i shake off all my exhaustion and sing a little louder and act a little crazier and give you all the love i have in my heart.
as i carry you around singing songs in a language you don't understand i stare into your eyes and realize you have captured a little piece of my heart. know that you will always carry me around in those eyes.
you are so beautiful and even when i can't talk to you and i will never see you again, i will always carry you in my heart. as i sit here crying for you i realize just how much a little girl has taught me about love.
i would come back to this country just for you and i would give up all the sleep i want right now just for you.
you are my beautiful princess.
as i smile down at you i am dying inside. dying to take you home with me and give you the world. to give you parents who love you. to sell the clothes off my back for you.
but as i think all this i stop...as God quietly whispers to me that he has so much more love and stored up treasures for his daughter then i could ever imagine.
so as i stand there holding you singing in your ear and thinking about this i realize that God has put me in your life to be a light for you. he has given me the responsibility to be a little piece of Jesus in your life.
as i realize this i shake off all my exhaustion and sing a little louder and act a little crazier and give you all the love i have in my heart.
as i carry you around singing songs in a language you don't understand i stare into your eyes and realize you have captured a little piece of my heart. know that you will always carry me around in those eyes.
you are so beautiful and even when i can't talk to you and i will never see you again, i will always carry you in my heart. as i sit here crying for you i realize just how much a little girl has taught me about love.
i would come back to this country just for you and i would give up all the sleep i want right now just for you.
you are my beautiful princess.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
When all we have is faith and the bible
This is something I wrote while in India. I was feeling inspired and this is what came of it. It is one of my favorite things I have ever written.
As i sat the other day washing clothes in dirty water with shampoo i started to think how i got to this point. How does a middle class, white, 18 year old girl, who's led a pretty cushioned life end up in India with no money, 6 other people from 5 different countries and happy as can be. i mean who would have thought that i would give up everything and end up with nothing in the eyes of the world. i mean i shower in dirty, cold water, flush my toilet by dumping a bucket of water down it and i wash all my clothes by hand. For the rest of the world this makes no sense but for me and so many Christians i know this is so normal!
i don't remember what a comfy bed feels like, what clean clothes smell like or what it's like to drive or cross the road without the fear dying is like. eating 3 regular meals a day hasn't happened for a while and i have no sense of time. but as i look back on these last 3 months living out of a suitcase on other people's floors, i realize these are some of the best times i have had in my whole life. i've never smiled or laughed as much as i have here. i've cried so much and i've been free to do that. i've had amazingly deep and amazingly funny talks with people that i never would have met in normal circumstances. And i've seen God work in every single second of it. i've seen him work in all our lives and i've seen him work through all of us.
so even as the last month approaches and i still don't have the slightest idea of what i am doing in the future i am beginning to realize that it doesn't really matter. it's easier said then done not to worry but as i look back and see how God has moved in these months i know that he and i will be going places. it really doesn't matter to me anymore if i have a closet or nice clothes or money, because as nice as they are to have, i have seen God do huge things without all that in the way. if he can do all this when i'm 18 in 6 months i can't imagine what else he has in store. And the only prerequisites i need are faith in him and bible at hand.
As i sat the other day washing clothes in dirty water with shampoo i started to think how i got to this point. How does a middle class, white, 18 year old girl, who's led a pretty cushioned life end up in India with no money, 6 other people from 5 different countries and happy as can be. i mean who would have thought that i would give up everything and end up with nothing in the eyes of the world. i mean i shower in dirty, cold water, flush my toilet by dumping a bucket of water down it and i wash all my clothes by hand. For the rest of the world this makes no sense but for me and so many Christians i know this is so normal!
i don't remember what a comfy bed feels like, what clean clothes smell like or what it's like to drive or cross the road without the fear dying is like. eating 3 regular meals a day hasn't happened for a while and i have no sense of time. but as i look back on these last 3 months living out of a suitcase on other people's floors, i realize these are some of the best times i have had in my whole life. i've never smiled or laughed as much as i have here. i've cried so much and i've been free to do that. i've had amazingly deep and amazingly funny talks with people that i never would have met in normal circumstances. And i've seen God work in every single second of it. i've seen him work in all our lives and i've seen him work through all of us.
so even as the last month approaches and i still don't have the slightest idea of what i am doing in the future i am beginning to realize that it doesn't really matter. it's easier said then done not to worry but as i look back and see how God has moved in these months i know that he and i will be going places. it really doesn't matter to me anymore if i have a closet or nice clothes or money, because as nice as they are to have, i have seen God do huge things without all that in the way. if he can do all this when i'm 18 in 6 months i can't imagine what else he has in store. And the only prerequisites i need are faith in him and bible at hand.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Just the beginning
I guess I should start with some typical beginning to this blog, but to be honest I'm not a great writer. I just really want a place to put all my writing. Sometimes I just have so many thoughts they have to be written down and shared with someone. Sometimes they are poetic but sometimes they are beyond random. I really don't know how many people are going to read this but it feels good to put it on paper or the internet. I don't think I am going to update this everyday but I am going to start by posting some of my old stuff that I really like and after that I will see where it goes.
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