Patience

I am going home tomorrow.
I still can't process the fact that I am blessed enough to get to go to Chile
I have been anticipating this moment for over a year and I can't believe it is finally here
But this time will be so bittersweet
Because as fun as it will be I will have to leave and that is the last thing I want to do
I want to enter that country and never look back
I don't want to have to wait 4 more years
There are a lot of things I don't want to do
But I don't chose what happens in my life
When I surrendered my life to my father I also gave up my choice to do what I wanted to do
And he will pour blessing into my life when I follow him
But some days I just wish he would lead me back home
I love the life and the people he has blessed me with but there is always a part of my heart craving something different
And I hate to sound like a broken record but my heart crys out for something that is not mine to have right now

As I take your hand

I honestly don't understand any more but I guess it is not my place to complain
I am going to take what comes my way and find the joyful moments inbetween
Just finding some peace in the most strangest of places
And finding prayer where I least expected it
All the isolation and lonliness of a month was wiped away in a night
I need to take love where I can find it and community where it is offered
I need to see God in the good and let go of the bad
We are only human and we all make mistakes, I can't hold you accountable to things you don't even realize hurt me
This is the perfect time for me to take a step back, the perfect placement of a 3 week trip
And I hope when I get back that I will be better, more at peace and that I will be able to rejoin the people that God has placed in my life
But I need to evaluate, look at what is going on with me and what is going on with us
Where am I putting too much pressure on my friendships and where do I need to be more honest
I truly do miss you. I miss the feeling we used to have and the belonging I used to feel, but I lost that feeling a while back and now I must search for it
I need to rely on my God to pick me up and not on the people around me, who are there to support me but not to hold me up completely.
I need to learn that being lonely in this world does not mean that I am alone, that when I feel by myself my God has never left my side.
He wants to spend some time with me, to give up something that has been holding me back and give me the oppurtunity to surrender something to him and become one step closer to his plan for my life
I need to find my God in this place, I need to figure out where I went wrong, when I wandered off and ask for some help.
Because I know that the second I call out he is going to come and help lead me back to the path.
So I am going to stand in this desert, lonely but not alone because my God is going to lead me back to his path and bring me back to the place he designed, where we can walk side by side and he can lead me into his glory.