Open Wounds

I feel like I've spend my whole life being picked at, prodded and asked to change
To act, look, talk and be a certain way
To stand a little taller, to try a little harder
To alter myself a little bit every day until I don't recognize who I am and who I wanted to be
I don't know the difference between a word of kind guidance and another pick away at who I am. I can't tell and so I don't know how to not be on the defense. I hate when people talk about me and tell me things to change. It confirms my own suspicions that I'll never quite reach anyone's expectations
I take up too much space. The size of my body and personality are just too much. Could I just be a little bit smaller and sensitive to the needs of others. Could I stop taking up so much of everyone else's space with my passion, with my harsh and loud voice.
Could I wear a bit more make up, lose a bit more weight, eat a little less chocolate. Could I just try a little harder.
Could I be a little smarter, school isn't that hard.
Get a better job, look at everyone one else, why can't you find a good paying job, just ignore your desires and go for the money.
I try so hard to be someone I can look back on and be proud of. I try to hold my head in confidence. But I feel like an open sore just trying to heal. Over sensitive and taking everything that is said to heart. When I take a step forward I feel ripped open again. Feel like all my insecurities are one big sore, all connected and hurting, with no room to heal. 

Alone in this mind

People surprise me more often than not, especially myself
Parents who accept things that I had kept hidden in shame
The people who love me no matter what, even when I have hard time loving myself
And myself for loving company when traveling
Realizing that I wouldn't have been able to do this whole trip alone
Being forced to humble myself and acknowledge my dependence on others
For being so fearful of being alone
The introvert of introverts missing conversation
Maybe I just don't want to be alone with my thoughts
Unable to trust myself, that I know what I am doing, instead be in riddled with anxiety about getting to the next two weeks
Being terrified and with no one to turn to having to turn to God.
And realizing how long it has been since I have truly done that
Having two weeks to come face-to-face with who I have become and if that is who I want to be
Confronted with an intellect that has caused me to walk away from a faith that has saved me
How to reconcile two years of wandering
What does it look like to come back after all that time?
And more than that how to humble myself to admitting that I need that. To stop pretending and turn to face my maker
What will that look like? Without a bible with me will I really try or just feign attempts?
Will I be honest with myself and work at it?
Will I turn to those I love and ask for their help and be honest about my situation
No longer able to hide in school but pushed into this vast and foreboding world
Without a direction or an anchor
Too much change for this simple girl
Too scared at night laying in the silence of independence
I've got exactly what I want and I want to give it back
All talk but when the action time comes scared stiff and lonely.
It makes me realize how blessed I have been with the small but incredible group of people I have in my life.