I have such a fear of abandonment
An overwhelming, heart wrenching fear of being left in the cold
It makes it so hard for me to trust, to truly give all of me to anyone
And once I have opened up to someone I just sit and wait for the day for them to walk away
I sit gripped with the fear that I am too messed up for anyone to stick around
I am always on guard waiting to throw up my walls, defend against the heartbreak
My heart remembers all the hurt, still feels all the wounds
Even as my head lists off all the reasons to trust

But you haven't walked away

After all the shit you are still standing beside me

After all the tears you still do crazy things for me

Your friendship terrifies me as much as it amazes me

It is so much easier to list off all the reasons for the walls, then all the reasons why I am tearing them down

So I take each day as it comes. As God re-works this heart of mine.

Some days I fight his gentle hands, some days I feel the pressure that comes with healing

And somedays I sit smiling with tears streaming down my face as my God continues to mold me into something new, something beautiful. That he can use for his glory.