Whispered Truthes

I have been thinking about testimonies lately and how would I share mine and it got me to thinking...

I grew up being told to be strong, to be strong in what I believe and who I am.

Along with this strength came a fierce independence to do things by myself. 

However this strength did not manifest the it had been intended, the way I had been told.

Strength meant appearing strong and being stronger than those around me

I always stuck out when I was younger, I can't really say why, but I did and in a world like ours sticking out isn't any good

So I used the strength I believed I possessed, I decided that to be strong meant that nobody knew how much it hurt to be alone, how much it sucked to feel like you didn't belong

And strength meant that I was in control of those around me and the friendships that I had

To control these friendships meant having lines and knowing that nobody was allowed to cross them

And to prevent people from hurting me I hurt them first.

Which meant using my words, which led to sarcasm being my defense

Which left me as a very angry, sarcastic and depressed girl

This depression ran deep, into my soul and it was fed with lies that the world told me and I took as truth

And so this was my new reality, one of darkness and anger

These new truths all spelled out one main principle in my life, that I wasn't worth anything, that there really was no point to me being around

And as this belief hit its climax and I didn't believe that life was worth it anymore, God strategically and subtly put people in my life to begin to point me in the right direction

Not in a way I would realize, but in a way that would get me off the path I was on and where God intended me to be

All of the sudden there was a light at the end of the tunnel, it was dim but in existence, something to push towards, an end in sight

And so I pushed and I worked, well God worked and pushed against my independence that told me I needed to fix myself 

But it wasn't that easy and I fell and continue to fall

But God got me there, sometimes by just gently picking me up placing me back on track and sometimes by kicking me back to where I needed to be with the pain I needed to remember who I needed to be listening to

With these pushes he led me towards missions and the deep love I have for children everywhere. He led me to Ecuador when I was 17 and again the next year. He gave me the opportunity to go to Chile and Colombia and India and have my heart break for all his lost children.
These opportunities prepared me for the next stage of my journey, one that seemed less exciting but proved just as fruitful.
As I finally had the opportunity to be independent and live on my own. A time that has led to some of my closest moments with God and some of the darkest moments I have encountered in my life. 

And even with his ever present guidance I still fell, the darkness would overcome and I would fall once again into the depression that would over take my life. 

But all this taught me so much more what it means to have faith when there is nothing left to hold onto.

And more than that it has taught me what it truly means to be covered in God's grace, as I shout against him and walk away from his perfect plan all because I let the lies over take my life once again.

As I come out of a period of darkness and immense pain I am able to once again look at God and see just how much he loves me even when I am lost. He doesn't condemn me for believing the lies but instead whispers truths that overtake the lies and remind of why I am here and that he will continue to give me hope even when I am blinded by the darkness.