Getting bored with all the other sites of internet entertainment or procrastination, depending on how honest I am being I pop over to my blog in the first time in apparently almost a year. A year, almost 365 days have passed since I last wrote anything here. How time flies, it scares me, what am I supposed to be doing with my life right now, the age old question of everyone beginning their adult life. Funny thing is, I really don't care anymore. This time last year I was worrying about grades and the education program and losing my love of learning. But that is just it, I love to learn, to soak up knowledge and become a well read person. I don't care that my degree my not get me a job, I only care that I am learning how to be a critical thinker and see the world from a whole new perspective. I am 22, why am I worrying about what I am going to do when I graduate next December? Why does it matter if I don't find my career right away, that societal pressure is irrelevant. As I have shrugged off these pressures from the rest of my life why not here as well? So when people ask me what I am doing or what I would do with this degree, I say, I don't know, maybe I'll work some minimum wage job for the rest of my life, maybe I'll be an activist, maybe I'll be a stay at home mom, or get my master's or become a teacher. But there two things that I am certain of; that I will see the world, and I will do what pleases me most, screw what the world deems important to accomplish.
A year, being the reflective person that I am, I like to look back and see how things have changed, and more often than not, how things have stayed the same. At this present moment I feel a freedom I have not felt in months. I am content in this present moment and I am choosing not to look to tomorrow or yesterday. I have changed so much and been free of so may burdens. In 365 days I have gone through a transformation of how I see myself, and I am beautiful, maybe not to society's standards but the only way I am going to feel this way is if I don't use their bar. And I want to spread this idea, and help the amazing women in my life to understand this as well, because I am surrounded by gorgeous yet incredibly insecure women because of the weight the world has put on them. And I am sick and tired of insecurity ruling our lives, we as women and people have the right to claim our bodies as beautiful and a right to walk in confidence knowing we are perfect how we were made and it truly doesn't matter what other people think. And while that can seem impossible some days and even most days, if you walk in this belief it is surprising how quickly it becomes easier to believe to the core of your being. And being comfortable in your own skin is one of the most freeing experiences.
To be free to proclaim not only your strengths but your weakness and in that get help and support in that. I guess the overwhelming theme of this is to walk away from the mainstream. Because I am sick and tired of being hindered by the stigma surrounding emotions, passion and mental illness. Because guess what that is who I am, and I refuse to change who I am to make other people comfortable. And with the help of so many amazing friends I was able to be free of the barriers holding me back to getting help for my depression and I was able to seek medication and counselling and even though it has not been an easy battle it has been a step in the right direction to move past it.
This makes it sound like I have had some amazing year when really it has been nothing more than a couple of good weeks. It has in all honesty been an incredibly difficult year. I have struggled with an anger and bitterness that I a just beginning to even acknowledge let alone work through. But I have also had an incredible, if exhausting, beginning of the school year
I find fall to be incredibly rejuvenating, it has always been the beginning of the year because I mark my life by school. And so as the leaves die, I come alive and rejoice in their beauty and the promise of their renewal. Working two jobs, in my 4th year of university, and volunteering and somehow for the first time in my university career I am making abundant friends and opening up in ways that astound me even as it is happening. I am talkative and friendly with people in my classes and joining clubs and studying with people I didn't know 1 month ago. I am meeting people with the same passion for learning as me and people that I can laugh along with as I get to know them. It is a crazy time in my life and I love it. I am exhausted but it is worth it, because when I am busy I feel satisfied. And along with the new comes the old, continuing to build new friendships, and share joy as I watch my best friend getting ready to get married, and the everyday encouragement of having an old roommate in the next room over, just 2 steps away, to lay on my bed and do nothing and be peaceful or disasters together. Because I am okay with the fact that I am a mess right now, of ideas and emotions and passions and heartbreak. And as I write this I am amazed at the optimism that I did not know I possessed right now and I love that and will work on walking on that. But as for right now I am just focused on today and how good this moment feels and when tomorrow comes, with its emotions and assignments and work and issues I will deal with it, good or bad, and move on until the next day and the next, finding joy in the fact that I have breath in my lungs and have made it until this moment
A year, being the reflective person that I am, I like to look back and see how things have changed, and more often than not, how things have stayed the same. At this present moment I feel a freedom I have not felt in months. I am content in this present moment and I am choosing not to look to tomorrow or yesterday. I have changed so much and been free of so may burdens. In 365 days I have gone through a transformation of how I see myself, and I am beautiful, maybe not to society's standards but the only way I am going to feel this way is if I don't use their bar. And I want to spread this idea, and help the amazing women in my life to understand this as well, because I am surrounded by gorgeous yet incredibly insecure women because of the weight the world has put on them. And I am sick and tired of insecurity ruling our lives, we as women and people have the right to claim our bodies as beautiful and a right to walk in confidence knowing we are perfect how we were made and it truly doesn't matter what other people think. And while that can seem impossible some days and even most days, if you walk in this belief it is surprising how quickly it becomes easier to believe to the core of your being. And being comfortable in your own skin is one of the most freeing experiences.
To be free to proclaim not only your strengths but your weakness and in that get help and support in that. I guess the overwhelming theme of this is to walk away from the mainstream. Because I am sick and tired of being hindered by the stigma surrounding emotions, passion and mental illness. Because guess what that is who I am, and I refuse to change who I am to make other people comfortable. And with the help of so many amazing friends I was able to be free of the barriers holding me back to getting help for my depression and I was able to seek medication and counselling and even though it has not been an easy battle it has been a step in the right direction to move past it.
This makes it sound like I have had some amazing year when really it has been nothing more than a couple of good weeks. It has in all honesty been an incredibly difficult year. I have struggled with an anger and bitterness that I a just beginning to even acknowledge let alone work through. But I have also had an incredible, if exhausting, beginning of the school year
I find fall to be incredibly rejuvenating, it has always been the beginning of the year because I mark my life by school. And so as the leaves die, I come alive and rejoice in their beauty and the promise of their renewal. Working two jobs, in my 4th year of university, and volunteering and somehow for the first time in my university career I am making abundant friends and opening up in ways that astound me even as it is happening. I am talkative and friendly with people in my classes and joining clubs and studying with people I didn't know 1 month ago. I am meeting people with the same passion for learning as me and people that I can laugh along with as I get to know them. It is a crazy time in my life and I love it. I am exhausted but it is worth it, because when I am busy I feel satisfied. And along with the new comes the old, continuing to build new friendships, and share joy as I watch my best friend getting ready to get married, and the everyday encouragement of having an old roommate in the next room over, just 2 steps away, to lay on my bed and do nothing and be peaceful or disasters together. Because I am okay with the fact that I am a mess right now, of ideas and emotions and passions and heartbreak. And as I write this I am amazed at the optimism that I did not know I possessed right now and I love that and will work on walking on that. But as for right now I am just focused on today and how good this moment feels and when tomorrow comes, with its emotions and assignments and work and issues I will deal with it, good or bad, and move on until the next day and the next, finding joy in the fact that I have breath in my lungs and have made it until this moment
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